![\"\"](\"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/overcoming-overwhelm-ways-to-avoid-burnout-in-life-Lora-Mathis-quote.jpg\")
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This quote pretty much sums it up though <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/sigh.jpg\")
<\/figure>10 years of therapy sounds a such a long time
But so much else has happened within those years that have rabbit pathed my focus so my therapy has been often stretched sideways
I relaxed into it more easily once I was told in the earlier days by one of my case managers that my abuse\/trauma would take a very long time to heal from
<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
So anyways, recently my therapist shared these words with me when I was asking her how the hell do I present so together when I’m actually not…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/thumbnail_l-1024x754.jpeg\")
<\/figure>Firstly <\/p>\n\n\n\n Over identification<\/strong> This was the me that was able to stand up the front of the church and speak at my own father’s funeral Did I speak at my mother’s funeral Most people who read this know my story(If not then cruise on back through my posts and you’ll soon figure it out)And you will know that I have been in therapy for over 10 years now it was actually quite a cataclysmic event that I am able to pin point my breakdown to – the … Continue reading “Understanding behaviour”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[79,89,19,23,69,20,47,94,90,67,17,91,49,48,92,80,68,70,95,1,18],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1186"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1186"}],"version-history":[{"count":15,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1186\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1229,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1186\/revisions\/1229"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1186"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1186"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1186"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
Dissociation<\/strong>
(when we numb out or block painful feelings)
I’m already very familiar with this
I do it often
It makes life so much easier to cope with
But it makes others feel like you don’t care <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/feeling-overwhelmed-1024x768-1.jpeg\")
<\/figure>
(when swamped and overwhelmed)
oh my Lord!
This is way too familiar
I know one of my ptsd cover ups has been, and often still is, to keep very busy
So I do
And then there gets to be too much happening in my brain
And I start spinning
And one small trigger tips me over
And my brain crashes
Like the wheel spinning on the computer screen
And I blank out drowning in an absolute lost mess<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/painting.jpg\")
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But the third one is the word I needed to understand to answer my question
Disidentification<\/strong>
(when keeping at arms length and know it\u2019s not about me)
This is the word I had not heard before
But it sure is a good one
And it is most definitely me
A lot of the time
It’s the suck it up and do what is deemed right part of me
It’s the brave face
It’s the masks I wear to protect me
And it’s the masks I wear to actually protect others
Because no matter how much I break my silence there are still those who do not know, who can not know, who I still protect <\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n
I never understood how I did that
But it was expected of me
I was the eldest of the siblings
Eloquant
Strong
Someone who gets shit done
So I did what was expected
And I spoke
I remember absolutely nothing
My mother of course kept all the words and on her death I probably inherited them along with all the other words she passed on to me
I choose not to go searching for them
I choose to stay in a state of insulation to protect my very vulnerable self. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I absolutely cannot remember
I know I organised her funeral
I know so many intimate details of the day, the weeks prior and the weeks & months following
But I have completely buried that part of the day
My mother was an important part of my development but her ultimate betrayal is still too painful and deeply embedded so dissociation wins<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But I do know
I stood and spoke at my husband’s funeral
This was the me that was so broken, so lost, so overwhelmed with pain
But I did it
Cuz I had to
For me
For him
For the kids
I disidentified and dissociated
I am so good at it
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"