{"id":431,"date":"2016-10-03T21:25:40","date_gmt":"2016-10-03T21:25:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=431"},"modified":"2016-10-04T17:35:10","modified_gmt":"2016-10-04T17:35:10","slug":"self-care","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=431","title":{"rendered":"Self care"},"content":{"rendered":"

Since I have moved to town and begun working with vulnerable & abused women I have been introduced to the notion of self care.
\nIn our training we were taught that self care is vitally important.
\nAfter so many years of putting myself and my needs second, or third – actually probably more than 12th in line this was sort of a new concept for me.<\/p>\n

I have spent so many years being strong, the one that everyone depends on, the one that gets things done, the busy one.
\nI didn\u2019t realise until about 5.5 years ago when my brain said enough and I had a major breakdown.
\nI had no idea what was happening to me until a friend asked me a question.
\nDo you think you might be depressed?
\nSeriously \u00a0– me depressed!
\nI dont \u2018do’ depressed!
\nI haven\u2019t got time for that nonsense :-\/
\nBut, her\u00a0question & concern stopped me in my tracks and I took the plunge and went to my Dr.
\nThat in itself was a major exercise at the time.
\nAnyway, the upshot was, for the first time in my entire life I was able to tell someone about the extensive sexual and emotional abuse I endured for over 10 years of my childhood.
\nAnd from there I began my healing.
\nIt has not been easy, it is never easy to open old and deep wounds and expose them.
\nIn fact it is very scary.
\nI was, and am, a mother of many, and a wife, running businesses alongside my man.
\nLife was busy.
\nI had not realised that busyness is one of the ways that abuse victims \u2018use\u2019 to \u2018forget\u2019 what has happened to them.
\nNot that you ever ever forget!
\nLife didn\u2019t get any easy with this disclosure, in fact it got a hell of a lot harder.
\nMy\u00a0journey of self discovery\u00a0has been incredibly tumultuous.
\nI have discovered who my true friends are.
\nPart of my self\u00a0preservation has been learning to close the door on those who can’t or won\u2019t support me and to embrace those who can and do.<\/p>\n

My therapist has been flabbergasted over the years as one historic\u00a0trauma\u00a0after another is disclosed as well as\u00a0more stress and trauma that has occurred\u00a0along the way since then.
\nShe commented to me one day that my PTSD was incredibly complex.
\nI picture\u00a0my\u00a0traumas over the years as pieces of string, they have knotted together and through time have wound themselves into a very big ball of string.
\nHence the name of this new blog \ud83d\ude42
\nI am slowly unraveling and dealing with each piece, unknotting, unraveling, \u00a0and using them to weave a new garment.
\nMy new garment is going to be stunningly gorgeous and of course the predominant colour will be Orange<\/a> \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

So back to self care.
\nFor me this has not happened overnight.
\nIt has been quite a journey.
\nSlowly slowly, baby steps, three steps forward and one back, sometimes it has felt like four back!!<\/p>\n

My self care began with mending my mind.
\nLearning how to process what has happened, how it has affected me and the way I deal with situations and then to relearn new ways, more healthy ways of approaching similar situations.
\nThis takes time and I am ever so grateful to have found a therapist who has worked with me gently over the past 5 years.<\/p>\n

Physical rest has also been important.
\nI have pushed myself for so long, the subconscious need to keep busy to bury everything sort of busy.
\nWhen Tim was killed my body stopped.
\nI was literally unable to do anything but go through the motions.
\nI stopped cooking, reading, listening to music, art……
\nI literally shut down and spent most of my time hiding in my room watching brainless movies.<\/p>\n

Then I ran away.
\nI took my two youngest and we ran away.
\nIt really wasn\u2019t a conscious decision.
\nIt just happened, but it was a good happening.
\nWe spent most part of a year on the move.
\nWe had some amazing adventures and did some much needed bonding and healing.
\nIt was a very precious time for us all.
\nIt resulted in us moving to\u00a0town and away from my\u00a0most recent pain\u00a0of losing our main man.<\/p>\n

One of the first things I did was to apply for a partially voluntary job with SASH Nelson<\/a>.
\nIt was pretty daunting applying for the first job in nearly 40 years.
\nBut the cool thing was that I was accepted to be a part of the Crisis Response Team.
\nBecoming part of the team has played\u00a0a huge part in my healing journey.
\nMy team mates are the most awesome girls, they have become members\u00a0of my new Village.
\nIt was through this job that I have learnt much more about the importance of self care.
\nPlus I am able to help support others because I have an empathy and understanding with them.
\nAnd helping them is helping me – win win \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

And now to now!
\nWhere am I at now?
\nWell, I am kickin’ arse.
\nI am so incredibly proud of myself.
\nI still have down days, days where the tears rule, where I hit the floor in a sobbing heap.
\nBut those days are less frequent.
\nI have days where I am incredibly lonely, but I am learning to reach out.
\nI am in a much stronger headspace.
\nAnd being in a stronger headspace has given me the ability to focus on my physical being.
\nLiving in the central city on the flat has allowed me to gradually build up my fitness levels.
\nDue to a lot of injuries both historic and recent my body has been rather battered so walking has been good therapy.
\nI have restored my soul\u00a0by wandering around the river and roads with the puppy, discovering new places and friends.
\nRecently I felt in the right place & ready,\u00a0so\u00a0have joined up with a local gym & pool.
\nIt is 10 years since I did any serious gym work.
\nI have really enjoyed going down there first thing most mornings and getting a good cardio session going.
\nThe trainers have put together a programme for me in the weights room, and after just a month I am feeling so damn good<\/a>.
\nI am not focusing on weight loss, just getting my body toned and functioning again.
\nYesterday I was very conscious that all my jeans were getting very loose and quite baggy – not really the look I like – so I popped in to see the girls at JeansWest and they helped me find some new jeans.
\nUnbelievable – I have gone from size 14 down to size 11.
\nI haven\u2019t been that size in about 28 years!!
\nThis morning, I am feeling really buzzed from my Vitamin G(ym) fix this morning.
\nIn fact I am feeling frickin\u2019 fantastic\u00a0\u00a0\ud83d\ude42
\nThis self care stuff is actually pretty damn\u00a0good.
\n\"img_0263\"\"img_0266\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Since I have moved to town and begun working with vulnerable & abused women I have been introduced to the notion of self care. In our training we were taught that self care is vitally important. After so many years of putting myself and my needs second, or third – actually probably more than 12th … Continue reading “Self care”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[40,19,53,20,52,47,37,21,54,55,28,50,49,44,48,51],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/431"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=431"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/431\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1553,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/431\/revisions\/1553"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=431"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=431"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=431"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}