During an emotional session with my therapist we talked about the difference between being a victim and being vulnerable.
\nFine line.<\/p>\n
I am so scared of not being seen as a victim that I cover up my vulnerability.
\nI was a victim for so many years and to survive I had to become strong.
\nIf I hadn\u2019t I would\u2019ve succumbed to all the mental illnesses and maybe attempted suicides that so many who have walked in my shoes have.
\nI spent so many years being strong, burying the past, just surviving, wearing a mask, living two lives, that eventually my spirit could not take any more.
\nI crashed.
\nI broke.
\nThe victim in me began crying out for help.
\nIn my spirit I was fearfully curled up, hiding in a dark corner sobbing uncontrollably..
\nIn my physical I was hysterical, beside myself with pent up distress, lashing out, desperately needing to be heard.<\/p>\n
Because everyone had seen me as strong, it was a shock to my family and those around me to see me like this.
\nI<\/b> was in shock to see me like this.<\/p>\n
They saw a mess.
\nThey saw a mother they didn\u2019t know.
\nThey saw a sister they weren\u2019t expecting and it blindsided them all.
\nThey didn\u2019t and couldn\u2019t understand.
\nI was judged harshly.
\nI was rejected.
\nI was re-victimised.
\nThey hadn\u2019t walked in my shoes.<\/p>\n
Three years on I am growing.
\nI am developing a new strength.
\nA strength that can recognise my pain, my trauma, my anxiety.
\nBut I am scared.
\nI am scared of telling my story.
\nI am scared of rejection.<\/p>\n
I still struggle with so much.<\/p>\n
Now I have a new pain.
\nA new trauma.
\nA loss so great that sometimes I don\u2019t think I can go on.
\nI surrender to the grief and it makes me feel vulnerable.
\nI am scared of being vulnerable.
\nScared of being hurt again.<\/p>\n
But this time I cannot hide behind my mask of strength.
\nThis time it is a grief that is ok to make public.
\nIt is a trauma that is more easily understand.
\nBut I cannot tell my story half heartedly.
\nMy story has to include the little girl, the victim.<\/p>\n
Because that is all me.
\n“You cannot know true strength until you know vulnerability.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
During an emotional session with my therapist we talked about the difference between being a victim and being vulnerable. Fine line. I am so scared of not being seen as a victim that I cover up my vulnerability. I was a victim for so many years and to survive I had to become strong. If … Continue reading “Vulnerability 17.8.13”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=616"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":617,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/616\/revisions\/617"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=616"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=616"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=616"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}