{"id":701,"date":"2017-01-13T21:41:46","date_gmt":"2017-01-13T21:41:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=701"},"modified":"2017-01-14T17:54:06","modified_gmt":"2017-01-14T17:54:06","slug":"measuring-growth","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=701","title":{"rendered":"Measuring growth"},"content":{"rendered":"

exposing vulnerabilities
\nscary stuff
\nreally scary stuff<\/p>\n

but in exposing my own vulnerabilities I\u00a0am growing
\nand in growing myself I allow others to grow
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

So I am going to go right out there in this post and tell it…<\/p>\n

I have\u00a0been working hard over the past few years to heal
\nIt\u2019s been damned hard
\nBut the growth I have experienced in the past few months has been immeasurable.
\nI have been flying on\u00a0all cylinders
\nIt has been an amazingly exhilarating ride<\/p>\n

So….. recently when I experienced some health issues and I went into total meltdown over them I was like WTF?
\nThis can’t be happening to me
\nI can’t do this over again
\nI am over all this
\nI\u2019m in a such good place now
\nWhy?………<\/p>\n

After the 3rd thing in less than 2 months I marched right on into my therapist’s rooms this week and announced that she needed to help\u00a0me unfuck my\u00a0head!
\nIn retrospect I know that in itself is a sign of immense growth for me because normally I spend my sessions duckshoveling and talking about everything and anything except me!
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

So here goes…..
\nShe talked me through what was happening\u00a0–
\nI learned that it is perfectly normal for any of us\u00a0to imagine the worst when hit with a medical issue.
\nAbsolutely normal!<\/p>\n

But\u00a0anyone like me who has PTSD will go there way\u00a0more severely.
\nWhen you have experienced trauma and personal loss the fragility of life makes you so much\u00a0more\u00a0vulnerable.
\nThere is…
\n-incredible fear
\n-losing control
\n-feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under your feet
\nThis is something that PTSD sufferers fear greatly
\nHaving no control over what happened to us at the time of the event\/s is the cause of the triggers when we lose control in the now.
\nBeing in control is how we feel safe
\nHence OCD is often symptomatic of PTSD<\/p>\n

These past two weeks I have had a couple of events which triggered me severely.
\nI visited\u00a0a skin specialist because I figured that at my age and stage in life, with my skin type, and living here in New Zealand it was a wise thing to do.
\nHowever, I was unprepared for having several \u2018things\u2019 cut off of me and even more unprepared to hear that one of them was \u2018of concern\u2019.
\nThe area of concern was on the back of my thigh.
\nMy head immediately took me back many years when we lost\u00a0a friend to melanoma – and yes his began with a spot right there!
\nInstant meltdown
\nTears for hours as I processed
\nThank God for friends who don\u2019t mind damp shoulders<\/p>\n

Six days later I was sitting at the computer early in the morning chatting with my daughter online when I began to feel something strange in my face.
\nEilidh came in a few moments later and looked at me…
\n\u2018Your face is swollen\u2019 she commented in a puzzled tone
\nThat was the beginning…
\nThe left side of my face went puffy, and hot, and numb, and the vision in my left eye went blurry, like a haze was over it….
\nI was feeling very weird
\nNothing I could pinpoint specifically, but I was beginning to freak out.
\nMy mind was taking me places again, places I didn\u2019t want to go, but because of association with my father\u2019s strokes\u00a0etc, it went there real fast.
\nI had to go pick up Azzan and when I did he was \u2018Mum go straight to the Dr. Don\u2019t take me home, just go to the Dr\u2019.
\nSo I did.
\nI was seen by the nurse.
\nAll vitals were fine.
\nI was feeling like a total drama queen.
\nShe referred me straight through to the Dr – stating that obviously if it was serious enough for me to walk in knowing there was something wrong, it was serious enough to see the Dr.
\nValidation felt good.
\nSaw the Dr and he eventually diagnosed shingles.
\nWhew!
\nThat I can handle.
\nThe strep throat that had taken\u00a0me a month to recover from pre Xmas had obviously lowered my immune system enough to allow the virus to activate.
\nI asked him what would\u2019ve happened if I hadn’t come in?
\n\u2018You could\u2019ve gone blind in that eye\u2019 he said.
\nWoah!!
\nOk!
\nMore validation that I know my body and\u00a0in future not to doubt myself.
\nBut I had\u00a0crashed emotionally – again.<\/p>\n

The next day I received\u00a0reassurance from my therapist that I was not going mental, I was not losing it, I was not regressing, was in fact doing a very healthy thing.
\nI was allowing myself to feel.<\/p>\n

My normal PTSD response in the past has been to feel hopeless, collapsed, stuck, to have a knee jerk reaction when things hit the fan.
\nThis is absolutely the norm\u00a0to those of us stuck in the Drama triangle.
\nI know this.
\nI know it too well from far too many years of being stuck in there.
\nSo for me now it is a NO GO ZONE.
\nIt is Not Safe there
\nIt is a place I Don\u2019t Want To Go anymore
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

By taking ownership of my emotions
\nBy naming my vulnerabilities
\nI am learning skills to live in a positive confronting way
\nI will not hide
\nI am exposing my scars
\nThey are my tattoos of bravery
\nI am a Survivor!
\nI am\u00a0a fricken badass Winner!
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

Talking through my needs
\nHelped me to see why I reacted the way I did and do…
\nbuilt knowledge
\nbuilt positivity
\nbuilt\u00a0strength
\nBecause I have suffered\u00a0sexual abuse during my childhood my trust was broken at an incredibly vulnerable time of my life by a person who I should\u2019ve been able to trust.
\nBecause of unreliable and inconsistent support in the past I have built barriers.
\nI have put up walls to protect me.
\nBecause\u00a0of the trauma of close loss and grief I am lacking the one thing I need
\nThe one person who would hold and comfort me at times like this
\nThat exposes my fragilities\u00a0and vulnerabilities even more
\nIt is downright scary stuff
\nWhen I am wounded my initial reaction has always been to go curl up\u00a0in a corner like a wounded puppy, snapping and biting at any hands who dare to try help me<\/p>\n

I have to learn how to let people in…
\nI am learning now how to let people in…
\nsafely
\nI am learning to identify my needs
\nWhat does my fragile self need in these situations?
\n– honest support
\n– acknowledgement that it is scary
\n– validation
\n– to be heard
\n– to be reassured
\n– to feel safe
\nI have been building\u00a0a door in my wall
\nI get to choose to open that door
\nto let in the trusted few<\/p>\n

Thank God for trusted friends I feel safe with
\nI have built a small strong tribe of\u00a0very special people in my inner sanctum
\nSome of whom have been there for me this past week especially while I have been in freakout mode<\/p>\n

Phillipa you have always been my bestest\u00a0friend, I don’t know where I would be without you
\nYou have held me during some of the hardest times of my life
\nWe have shared so much these past 25 years – I think our shoulders are equally wet and our laughter equally joyous
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

Spending time in the sunshine with Eilidh over these days\u00a0has been\u00a0so therapeutic as she has helped to blow away my fears
\nLove this girl – we are therapy for each other
\n\"\"\"\"<\/p>\n

And this guy
\nThis spesiale strooijonker vfriend
\n(Who\u2019s gonna laugh his arse off at my puny attempt at Afrikaans \ud83d\ude09 \u00a0)
\nWho listens for hours on the phone
\nWho\u00a0can handle my tears as I soak my pillow
\nWho always has an objective view
\nEddie my man, my best mate – you are just one super cool dude and I thank you for being a part of\u00a0my life
\nThank you for making me laugh
\nThank you for bringing the music back to my soul
\n\"\"\"\"<\/p>\n

And Renata – my beautiful forthright unreservedly outspoken and delightedly honest friend…
\nthank you for letting my cry all over your sushi this week
\nthank you for your support and and your love and your laughter
\n\"\"
\nI\u2019m past caring who sees me cry these days
\nIf you can’t share\u00a0my tears then you don\u2019t deserve my laughter<\/p>\n

I am growing through this
\nAnd so can you….
\nI\u00a0will never be the same
\nYou will never be the same
\nTrauma changes us
\nTrue story~!
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

If you are a PTSD sufferer
\nthen take my advice
\nFind someone safe
\nsomeone you can trust
\nsomeone who\u00a0understands your fragility
\nsomeone who can empathise
\nsomeone you feel safe with
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

But ultimately
\nAllow yourself to\u00a0FEEL
\nAllow yourself to be BRAVE
\n\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

exposing vulnerabilities scary stuff really scary stuff but in exposing my own vulnerabilities I\u00a0am growing and in growing myself I allow others to grow So I am going to go right out there in this post and tell it… I have\u00a0been working hard over the past few years to heal It\u2019s been damned hard But … Continue reading “Measuring growth”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[19,20,47,4,21,54,17,49,60,48,1,18],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=701"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":719,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/701\/revisions\/719"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=701"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=701"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=701"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}