{"id":838,"date":"2017-05-04T23:01:09","date_gmt":"2017-05-04T23:01:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=838"},"modified":"2017-05-17T05:36:40","modified_gmt":"2017-05-17T05:36:40","slug":"838","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=838","title":{"rendered":"Putting my vulnerability right out there!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

for a long long time words have evaded me
\nme
\na woman\u00a0who usually has so many words
\na woman with a word passion
\na woman who has a massive word fetish
\nbut the words i needed
\njust haven\u2019t been able to be found
\neach time i start to write
\nthe blankness of the page stares back at me
\nand the pain blocks out any ability to form comprehendible words<\/p>\n

but this week
\nfinally
\ni think i have broken through the barrier
\nthis is incredibly hard
\nbrutal
\nharsh
\nreal
\nsickening<\/p>\n

over the past six years i have used the most painful\u00a0words i could
\nto\u00a0elucidate the pain
\nbut none of them really cut to the chase
\nabuse
\nsexual abuse
\nincest
\nchildhood abuse
\nassault<\/p>\n

but they are all too removed
\nthey cause a separation
\nthey are bad
\nreally bad
\nbut not bad enough
\nthey actually
\nminimise<\/p>\n

today the full essence of my core pain was understood
\nby my own self
\nwhich is the most important part of all of this
\nwhen i verbalised
\nnamed that pain out loud<\/p>\n

when i first addressed this pain
\ni pushed open the closet door just enough to allow myself to breath
\ni inched\u00a0out my toe
\ntested the waters
\nbut the response was\u00a0oppressive
\nthe waters raged at me
\ni began\u00a0drowning\u00a0in\u00a0distress
\ni hurriedly pulled the closet door closed
\nrunning back to the safety of dark silence
\nand since then have only let it open a little when i have felt a tad brave<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

but keeping that door closed
\nmeans keeping secrets
\nand secrets kill
\nsecrets allow the demons\u00a0to play games in your mind
\nsecrets allow the pain to continue
\nsecrets allow the pain to continue be perpetrated<\/p>\n

so today I make a deliberate choice
\nto find those words
\nto name that pain
\nfor what it was
\nto blast open the door
\nblow\u00a0it completely\u00a0off its\u00a0hinges
\nto let\u00a0the secrets fly
\nin the hopes that others can find their voices too
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

The words I needed to find
\nneed to release
\nare
\nthat i was
\nraped
\nR. A. P. E. D.
\nraped by my own father
\ncountless times each week
\nfor ten years of my childhood<\/p>\n

there!
\ni\u2019ve said it
\nfinally
\nit\u2019s out
\nin the open
\nin the public arena
\nwoah!
\nbreathe………..
\nno!
\ni don\u2019t have to run for cover
\ni\u2019ve nothing to hide anymore<\/p>\n

i have been trying to come to terms\u00a0with this for so many years
\nbut how do you?
\nhow do you ever understand?
\neven now
\nwhen i am so far along in my healing journey
\nthe memories are never that far away
\nthey are stored
\nin my pandoras box
\non a high shelf
\nin the back room
\nof the recesses of my mind<\/p>\n

i don\u2019t choose to access that room hardly ever\u00a0now
\nthe lid stays shut on that box
\nbecause
\nin the past whenever i have lifted the lid
\nthe demons that have attacked me
\nhave been so brutal
\nso violent
\nso demoralising
\ni have been left
\nbattered
\nbruised
\nand re-abused<\/p>\n

i kept the lid on tight
\nand fought my way through life
\nuntil i could fight now more<\/p>\n

i broke
\nunder the pressure of keeping my fight on
\ni broke
\nand from my breaking
\ni have begun learning
\nto\u00a0understand myself
\nto process
\nto communicate on far far deeper and honest levels than I ever could before
\ni learnt that the damage caused to me
\nWAS
\nNOT
\nMY
\nFAULT
\nthat was huge
\nit took such a long long time to\u00a0infiltrate my psyche<\/p>\n

there is a very deep and often overwhelming sadness
\nthe residue
\nleft from the multiple rapes
\nthat still tugs at my soul
\nthat still now leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable
\nputting this in to words
\nis so risky
\nbut i can\u2019t be\u00a0BRAVE
\nwithout taking risks and exposing my vulnerabilities
\nand i have got to be brave
\nor i cannot live honestly\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

for a long long time words have evaded me me a woman\u00a0who usually has so many words a woman with a word passion a woman who has a massive word fetish but the words i needed just haven\u2019t been able to be found each time i start to write the blankness of the page stares … Continue reading “Putting my vulnerability right out there!”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[19,20,47,4,17,49,60,48,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/838"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=838"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/838\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":865,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/838\/revisions\/865"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=838"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=838"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=838"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}