{"id":850,"date":"2017-05-15T19:34:37","date_gmt":"2017-05-15T19:34:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=850"},"modified":"2017-05-17T05:41:47","modified_gmt":"2017-05-17T05:41:47","slug":"angry-is-just-being-scared","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=850","title":{"rendered":"‘Angry is just being scared’"},"content":{"rendered":"

I went to a one man show on Sunday night
\nI actually went so I could take my\u00a0lad
\nBecause I thought he would gain more understanding and clarity about depression
\nAfter 35 years of home educating I never stop do I??
\nAlways looking for the educational opportunity for my kids \ud83d\ude09<\/p>\n

But, as I discovered once before, 27 long years ago
\nAnd I remember the moment with extreme\u00a0lucidity
\nI was the one who came away with the insight and clarity
\nI was the one who needed to hear the message<\/p>\n

27 years ago
\nI still remember the night
\nI had organised\/arranged for us to visit with a local guy who was well known for his evangelical relationship ministry.
\nAnd I was so incredibly sure that\u00a0Tim needed sorting
\nOh my!
\nWas I so wrong??<\/p>\n

That evening
\nNot long before we were about to leave
\nAll hell blew up
\nA random anonymous phone call
\nTo this day I have no idea who it was
\nBut that person had information
\nAnd that person told my mother\u00a0what my father had done to me
\nAnd like every other thing that she couldn\u2019t deal with in life
\nShe never spoke another word about it from that night on
\nShe literally swept it under the carpet
\nLeaving me a total mess
\nOnce again
\nI was abandoned by my mother<\/p>\n

I remember arriving on Jack\u2019s doorstep – an emotional\u00a0hysteric
\nI was a Mess!
\nIt wasn\u2019t Tim that needed sorting
\nIt was my shit that needed unfucking
\nThat was the first step I took in my healing journey
\n27 years ago
\nIt was a very tiny step in the scheme of things
\nBut that man I thought needed sorting out
\nThat man
\nHe stood by me the whole journey
\nHe was my rock
\nAnd I am ever so grateful for him for all those years
\nHe rescued me when I was a damaged teen
\nAnd then he protected me for all the years to follow
\nHe always had my back no matter what
\nAnd that ‘no matter what’ was extensive
\nI had no idea back then what PTSD\u00a0was
\nI had no idea why I was so angry
\nOr where the anger was coming from….<\/p>\n

Rolling forward to last Sunday night
\n‘Shot Bro – Confessions of a Depressed Bullet’<\/a>
\nRob Mokaraka<\/a>\u2019s one man performance was\u00a0insightful and challenging
\nDark humour, Maori humour,\u00a0confronting, energetic and powerful in his presentation of his life battle with depression,
\nHe had us in tears and laughter
\nBut what hit me\u00a0deep within my heart
\nwas when he said
\n‘Angry is just being scared’<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh God!
\nThe tears are still pouring down my face as I type this
\nJust being scared
\nHow much of my life have I lived being scared
\nSo much
\nToo much
\nThe anger covered up the scared little girl cowering in the corner<\/p>\n

Looking back I can see that every time I feel my life is out of control
\nThe anger surfaces
\nBut that anger is covering up the scared
\nAs a child I was scared so much of the time
\nScared because I never knew when my father would \u2018want\u2019 me
\nScared because I knew that if anyone found out our family would blow to bits
\nScared
\nJust plain honest to God scared for pretty much most of my formative years
\nBut\u00a0from the\u00a0time I escaped at 18
\nI lived life on a high wire
\nI was a thrill seeker
\nI was out there
\nBut\u00a0I only went as far as I could without losing control
\nIf I lost control then the\u00a0scared took over<\/p>\n

Throughout my life I can look back now and identify all the moments
\nAll those moments when the control was taken from me
\nAnd the angry me had to protect the scared me<\/p>\n

This morning when those words were going around in my head
\n‘Angry is just being scared’<\/strong>
\n‘Angry is just being scared’<\/strong>
\n‘Angry is just being scared’<\/strong>
\nthe tears were trickling down my cheeks as I lay on my pillow<\/p>\n

I need to let that anger go
\nI have been angry at so much in the past years
\nAngry at my father for abusing me
\nAngry at my father for mindfucking me
\nAngry at myself for allowing that mindfucking to ruin so much of my life
\nAngry at my mother for not protecting me
\nAngry at my mother for not hearing\u00a0me
\nSo incredibly angry at Tim for\u00a0abandoning\u00a0me
\nAngry\u00a0at the Police for screwing up and covering up
\nAngry at the kids not seeing my pain because they were so embroiled in their own
\nAngry at myself for not being able to be all I need to be for my kids
\nAngry at the immense\u00a0weight on my shoulders
\nAngry at all the crap I have had to wade through to get me to today
\nAnd today
\nI am angry because….<\/p>\n

NO!!
\nI am not going to be angry today
\nBecause
\nToday I understand
\nthat ‘Angry is just being scared’<\/strong><\/p>\n

Today
\nI will voice that yes I am scared
\nI am scared of what today will unfold
\nI am scared of\u00a0might happen – duh! how stupid does that sound!
\nI am scared that my dreams for my future will be taken from me<\/p>\n

But in this moment
\nI am going to allow the other part of me to become the stronger part of me
\nThe other part of me is going to embrace the\u00a0future
\nThe other part of me is excited about stepping out into the unknown
\nThe other part of me is going to\u00a0ask for help when she feels scared<\/p>\n

If you\u00a0do\u00a0see me angry
\nPlease put out your hand and just ask
\nWhat is scaring you?<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I went to a one man show on Sunday night I actually went so I could take my\u00a0lad Because I thought he would gain more understanding and clarity about depression After 35 years of home educating I never stop do I?? Always looking for the educational opportunity for my kids \ud83d\ude09 But, as I discovered … Continue reading “‘Angry is just being scared’”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[19,20,47,4,17,49,60,48,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/850"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=850"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/850\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":852,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/850\/revisions\/852"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=850"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=850"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=850"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}