{"id":867,"date":"2017-05-30T05:28:31","date_gmt":"2017-05-30T05:28:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=867"},"modified":"2017-05-31T11:45:19","modified_gmt":"2017-05-31T11:45:19","slug":"867","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=867","title":{"rendered":"Continuum"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

For too many years I was frozen into silence by shame
\nShame that was not mine to carry
\nI was also silenced by loyalty
\nFamily loyalty
\nBut I know now that was all bullshit
\nBecause the only one that was being damaged was me
\nAnd I was the one
\nIn my child\u2019s mind
\nProtecting everyone else
\nBecause don\u2019t you know
\nFamily has to stay loyal
\nFamily has to cover up the dirt
\nFamily is more important than the abuse of a child
\nBut now…
\nI am saying enough!!<\/p>\n

I am sick and tired of being the victim
\nTired of being victimised
\nI will not be shamed into silence again<\/p>\n

For too long I was under the impression that I was the only one
\nBut as I have broken my silence I am hearing more and more from others who were victimised by my father
\nIt is daunting and horrific
\nAnd I am sickened by the extent of\u00a0his\u00a0depravity
\nYes, I know he is dead and gone
\nYes, I know he cannot defend himself
\nBut I know that as an adult I personally challenged him and he never denied a thing
\nAll he said was – as he brushed it under the carpet
\n\u2018Its all in the past<\/em>\u2019
\nAll in the fucking past!!
\nYeah Nah!
\nYou cannot abuse a child for over 10 years of her childhood and think you have left her unscathed.
\nIt doesn\u2019t work that way.
\nIt will never be in the past
\nYes I have worked on my healing
\nYes I am still working on my healing
\nYes I am on a new journey
\nAnd Yes I am in a really really good place now
\nBut the damage he inflicted\u00a0will never ever\u00a0be forgotten.
\nI will not allow myself to be swept under a carpet again.
\nI know now that I am far too valuable for that.<\/p>\n

My childhood memories are not all scarred with depravity.
\nI am the first one to admit that there were some great times along the way.
\nMy grandmother was a true feminist, way ahead of her times, and I loved her for that
\nI spent many holidays with her and my ‘not so much older than me\u2019 uncles who I adored\u00a0like surrogate\u00a0older brothers
\nShe was a strong influence\u00a0in my formative\u00a0years
\nMy mother was educated, a teacher, always a teacher –\u00a0I understand that because she passed that trait on to me
\nShe provided me with a wonderful understanding and appreciation for music and culture and the arts
\nI will always be very grateful for that
\nAnd for the sacrifices she made to ensure I received those piano lessons, the precious books, the records she could ill afford.
\nFrom both these women I inherited the love of words and the ability to express myself passionately in my writing.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately\u00a0my memories of the great times are pretty much all tainted by the undercurrents of what I was experiencing under the covers, behind the doors, when no-one was looking, when no-one was seeing
\nOn the surface everything in the garden was very rosy
\nIt was beneath the surface where the rot was lying.
\nAnd when there is rot it eventually weakens the foundation and everything collapses.
\nIt took many years for this rot to work its way\u00a0to the surface
\nAnd now I am burning\u00a0it out and rebuilding my foundations with new wood.<\/p>\n

I do have many happy times that I recall
\nAs a preschooler my mind casts back to a carefree spirited little girl
\nand I see\u00a0snapshots of me pre the age of 7 that easily spring to my mind
\nIn those snapshots I see myself,\u00a0but\u00a0I also see my carefree little granddaughters reflecting in their similarities to me
\nI just hope and pray that my little girls will never, ever, ever, have to endure what I did.<\/p>\n

By breaking my silence
\nBy bringing the rot to the surface to\u00a0be dealt with
\nI am allowing discussion and freedom to talk openly
\nI have had so many friends and family come to me in the past weeks saying
\n‘Thank You’
\n‘Thank you for sharing’
\n‘Thank you for opening the door to allow us to talk’
\n‘Thank you for giving us the ability to\u00a0share our pain’<\/p>\n

It has taken every ounce of strength I have to come to this point in my journey
\nThe emotional exhaustion from writing has been immense
\nI began to spiral down the tunnel again last week
\nI allowed myself a day of recovery time
\nI was tended to by empathetic\u00a0friends
\nBut I knew I couldn\u2019t allow myself to fall too far
\nI will not let myself go there again
\nI woke the following day with resolve
\nI put\u00a0my armour back on
\nMy warrior self kicked the black dog fair out the door
\nAnd I faced the world again
\nBrave
\nCourageous
\nWith my smile
\nI will not allow my smile to be stolen\u00a0from me again
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

This is my story
\nMy journey
\nMy truth
\nand in front of me
\nis
\nMy future
\nAnd I am writing it myself
\nI will not allow anyone to corrupt my shine ever again
\n\"\"<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For too many years I was frozen into silence by shame Shame that was not mine to carry I was also silenced by loyalty Family loyalty But I know now that was all bullshit Because the only one that was being damaged was me And I was the one In my child\u2019s mind Protecting everyone … Continue reading “Continuum”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[19,20,47,4,58,17,49,60,1,18],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/867"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=867"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/867\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1554,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/867\/revisions\/1554"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=867"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=867"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=867"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}