{"id":958,"date":"2017-11-05T04:31:32","date_gmt":"2017-11-04T15:31:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=958"},"modified":"2017-11-05T06:19:54","modified_gmt":"2017-11-04T17:19:54","slug":"touching-the-grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/?p=958","title":{"rendered":"Touching the grief"},"content":{"rendered":"

On this day 39 years ago I married the love of my life.
\nTim was the love of my youth.
\nHe was part of my life from the time I was 14 years old.
\nHe was 21
\nHe gave me the best years of his life.
\nHe truly gave me his all.
\nI loved him and the journey after his death has been turbulent and tumultuous.<\/p>\n

As I approach the 5th anniversary of his accident I am in a much more peaceful place.
\nIt has been a long, long walk through some pretty dark valleys
\nI am finding myself standing higher on the hillsides now and spending less time in the valleys.<\/p>\n

This journey through grief is indeed such a personal one.
\nI have made discovery after discovery during my walk.
\nDeeply personal discoveries which\u00a0I have grown through.
\nAnd continue to do so.
\nThey have been incredibly hard and at times I have wondered if I would ever make it through.
\nBut with perseverance and resilience
\nAnd the support of precious family and friends
\nI have.<\/p>\n

This morning as I was quietly remembering our wedding anniversary two posts popped up in my newsfeed
\nSuch movingly appropriate posts
\nThe first was a moving video by\u00a0Kate Braestrup<\/a>
\nGrief, to a 5 year old<\/a>
\nShe told such a tender story of how a 5 year old so naturally grieved her little friend.
\nIt made me think back to when I had to say goodbye to my Timmy.
\nI am so grateful I was able to spend time with him during that week.
\nI do have regrets that some weren’t done differently,
\nbut at the time you don’t know
\nyou have no idea what to ask for
\nor how to ‘do it’
\nYou are in so much pain
\nyou sorta just go blurringly along with the flow of things
\nBut to have been able to spend time with him
\nTo hold his hands
\nTo touch him
\nTo talk to him
\nTo just be with him
\nboth alone and with the loved ones who wanted to see him
\nwas incredibly special<\/p>\n

Then an article by Katherine Schafler
\n‘The one thing no one ever says about grieving’
\n<\/a>contains some simple but very pertanent truths.
\nThe one that resonates strongly within my spirit is this
\n“Move towards the epicenter of your grief, as it’s the only path to other side of your pain.”
\n<\/strong>From my experience the only way to deal with pain is to face it square on and confront it.
\nBy side stepping you only have it come back to bite you at a later time.
\nBy suppressing the pain it only makes you sick with anger and guilt and more pain.<\/p>\n

As time has progressed the triggers and pain from Tim’s accident have lessened
\nTime does heal
\nBut scars still remain
\nAnd sometimes tears well up from deep within
\nThey take me by surprise
\nBut I know they need to flow<\/p>\n

Last week I was enjoying dinner out in Sacramento with my special friend Brielle
\nIt was a place and time so far removed from that time back in February 2013
\nAs we talked all of a sudden tears started flowing
\nThey took me completely by surprise
\nBut I needed to go back to that place
\nJust for a moment
\nAnd allow them to bathe my soul<\/p>\n

Today the tears are back again
\nThey are tears of gratefulness
\nof memories
\ngood memories
\nhappy memories
\ntears of times gone
\nspecial times
\nI can’t go back
\nI don’t want to go back
\nBut they are flowing
\nBecause I am remembering a good man<\/p>\n

Back on this day
\nthe 4th November 1978
\nI gave him my hand
\n\"\"
\nand on\u00a0the 18th February 2013
\nI held his hand
\nfor the last time
\nand let him go.
\n\"\"<\/p>\n

<\/h1>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On this day 39 years ago I married the love of my life. Tim was the love of my youth. He was part of my life from the time I was 14 years old. He was 21 He gave me the best years of his life. He truly gave me his all. I loved him … Continue reading “Touching the grief”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[19,23,20,47,4,17,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/958"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=958"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/958\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":963,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/958\/revisions\/963"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=958"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=958"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mybigballofstring.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=958"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}