Reclaimation

Recently I was given this photo of a little girl

I look into the eyes of this endearing wee lass
and I see
innocence
sweetness
delight
love
preciousness
cute
fun
thoughtful
kind
trust
naivety

I look at this picture which is obviously old
and I see a beautiful wee 4 year old girl
a sweet treasure of a child
who has no idea of how her life is going to change
in just a few years

In only 3-4 years from now she would be changed forever.
Looking at this photo I wonder if
the grooming hadn’t already begun

Looking at this photo I wonder
what if
‘things’ hadn’t happened
what if
she would’ve been allowed
to grow up
to be a normal, happy, little girl
retaining her innocence
her naivety
until she was ready to make her own mature decisions

I do not remember this photo being taken
But I do remember this little girl
this little girl
was me

She was the before
I am the after

What happened in between?
The little girl disappeared
into a world of
confusion
hurt
betrayal
secrecy
pain
distress
intimidation
spirit killing
soul damaging
depravity

A world that lasted for over 10 years
the wounds of which
are embedded so deep
that they imprinted
into her bones
her spirit
and into her very soul

Escaping that world
didn’t mean the wounds disappeared
they just healed over
and the poison remained
hidden
inside
slowly eating away at her spirit

For 36 long hard years
She fought to be strong
fought to stay strong
fought the memories
fought herself
fought everyone else
fought with an uncontrolled anger

Fighting makes you strong
and she was strong
but not in a good way

Finally on the 28th January 2011
the poisons had done enough damage
and she broke

and then the battle really truly began
the battle to find that little girl
the battle to open up all those wounds
to clean them out
to rid my whole self of all the toxins
the battle to heal
the battle to discover Me
the battle to love Me

I learned not just be a fighter
I learned to
to stand strong
to stand true
to stand with pride
I learned to be a warrior
I learned that even though I can win the battles
the scars will always remain
The scars
will always make my road a little rougher
will always be a reminder
will often make my ride a little unsteady
but
my scars
are my tattoos of bravery
because Brave is now my middle name

Looking back into the eyes of that sweet wee girl
knowing
no-one was there for her
no-one was there to shield her
breaks my heart

But
56 years on
I have found her again
she is still there
deep within my soul
and I will do my absolute best
to nuture her
to defend her
to love her
because she deserves that and so much more