tides ebb and flow planets come and go mercury retrogrades moons collide solar flares lunar eclipses natures mysteries abound
growing through conservative christianity taught everything outside was evil don’t do this don’t touch that you’ll allow the devil his hold
wakening now realising that I am part of this awesome universe created by God and in the being part of I am feeling part of so the ebbs and flows effect my very core
being the very practical being I am sceptical of things unknown things unseen that I cannot prove yet now I am feeling and recognising the ebbs & flows that are affecting my essential self
my life is my long journey and yet in the aeons of time it is but a brief blink connected to the universe of which I am just a tiny speck I am but a pin prick feeling such insignificance how and why does the universe care enough about me to include me in its ebbs & flows
I am but sand on the shore a drop of water within the seas but my life has relevance and meaning I must hold some importance otherwise why am I here
growing up through the Age of Aquarius it was but a mere song a hippie chick sang living on the fringes of churchism feeling frowned upon for even thinking the lyrics but on delving in I see its relevance during my lifetime
apparently though I have the energy of Sun in conjunct with Pluto a rare thing indeed my presence on this planet is to do what I am doing I am not just a mere speck I am burning, cleaning, clearing the way facing the darkside constantly transforming articulating communicating to others
by opening up my heart allowing the blood of my traumas to flow releasing the pain and reality of my damaged soul I am letting the sunshine in to the hearts of others as they resonate with my words no matter the darkness they hold or the life they bring
sharing gives strength breaking darkness to let the light in releasing energy breaking tensions allowing the ebb & flow of my life to encourage others that is my reason for living
I’m not entering the fray to join or continue a battle I am so tired of fighting I have been fighting all my life to find Me to be Me
So who am I?
I am the proud female descendant of Norse women of women throughout the ages who have fought for equality of women who have lived through centuries of male domination of women who battled desperation and mighty seas who have sought and fought for better lives for them and their children and freedom from suppression freedom from domination and abuse
My generations of grandmothers did not fight for me to dismissed to be invalidated to be devalued
From their own experiences as negated and denigated women My grandmother taught me to stand up for what I wanted to take what I needed to not allow myself to be second class My aunt encouraged me to look after Me to put myself first to self care To be who I am I didn’t understand when I was young from the histories they were speaking from of their battles they had warred of the lives they had endured to become the influential women who passed their batons on to me Only now I see them Women standing for women
I have fought my whole life to be free from male abuse to set myself free from the trauma instigated upon me by males It has taken me years to be able to stand and look men in the eye without fear and without trepidation of denigration I have fought for my own equality & the equity of my sisters no matter our colour or creed for my right to Be to Just Be Me
I will not be negated as a cis person I am woman
I have not carried 11 babies within me within my female body birthing them from my womanly parts to be relegated a baby carrying person I am Me I am woman
I did not fight to feed 10 babies for my battle wearied nurturing breasts to be diminished as chest feeders I am Me I am woman
Words are important to me They express who I am Do not invalidate me Because of who you want to be
Can we please just respect each other Can you be You And I will be Me I have fought too hard and too long To again lose Me
For the past few days my mind has been a mash up of blank emotions Feeling with others Identifying with parts of their stories But not knowing how to process my own Because it just feels too huge Too complicated Where do I start my PTSD, my ball of string, has so many pieces rolled into it some are long, very very very long and others are short, abrupt, moments with many varying lengths between
This morning Russell Brand challenged me loud and clear He pushed me up off of my pillows and said Start writing!
Here goes….
My father He was my main fuck up He fucked me up so fucking good He spent my entire childhood ensuring I was totally fucked up And he did such a good job of it Incest is the most confusing type of sexual abuse anyone can endure No violence involved Just so called love and enjoyment It turns my stomach to recall how much he made me enjoy what he did to me For over 10 years That is a total screw up in anyones brain I bury those memories so deep But this morning they are surfacing And I am SO FUCKING ANGRY He stole so much from me The pleasure of actually knowing when I lost my virginity Or the ability to give consent and give myself to who I wanted The never knowing when, because it is blurred into obscurity The not knowing how to guide my own children My children – OMG don’t get me started on that He locked my emotions up so fucking much I didn’t know how to parent or communicate with me own children I so fucked up my own children
That day we were going to visit our friends the day our landrover rolled off the road and down the bank the day the one man I trusted let me down for the first time that one error of judgement set triggers alight that haunt me decades later fears that seem now to be irrational but are so fucking real fear of falling fear of losing my children fear of confined spaces fear of losing control fears, irrational and uncontrollable fears…
Home from the hospital an innocent comment A curious question Allowed us to discover our precious daughter had been abused whilst we were away she was in the care of someone we trusted but still a fucked up deviant who managed to get to my precious little girl So Fucking Up and So Fucking Angry
A month later pregnant with very unplanned baby No4 after pelvic injuries, broken left ankle, sprained right knee and weeks on crutches after a month of painkillers after a month of vomiting then bleeding a bucket full of bleeding nearly died getting to the hospital I lost my baby
Abused by a hospital doctor another man I should’ve been able to trust my husband’s ignorance/innocence in female medical stuff allowed it to happen Nurses enveloped me allowed me to cry helped me understand what he did to me was wrong a week later re-admittance a repeat proceedure re-traumatisation
Finally home Fucked up again No you can’t grieve your baby You gotta praise God Cuz you gotta accept its all part of his plan So no tears No sadness Let’s just praise God and carry on living So Fucked Up
Baby No5 Perfectly normal pregnancy Horrendous delivery Hospital trauma Stirrups Huge needle in my spine during stage 2 Total evacuation of my uterus Post birth – you need to get out of bed Migraine to the max Oops – another medical fuckup More needles in my spine “oh you have a wee boy after 3 girls. How lovely” No fucking way do I want this kid! I am in so much pain and you expect me to love this baby 10 days to finally hold and begin to love my boy Such a Fuck Up
Baby No7 7 years later My friends enveloped me Finally I was allowed to grieve But along the way pieces of trauma varying degrees of severity adding up relationships family dramas accidents business issues so many traumas and falls, so many falls culminating in years and years of body pain But swept aside as just another thing to deal with I kept busy, keeping busy Running the farm Doing all the bookwork Raising & educating my 10 living children Feeding the myriads that surrounded our family table each day Encapsulating extreme busyness! I was really, really good at keeping busy
Unknowingly My stress bucket was filling then one evening one small thing was said But it was magnificent & breathtaking in its delivery and its magnificence overflowed my bucket And I broke An emotional breakdown that completely unhinged me Threw me off of my rotation And spin me out of my carefully controlled busyness It totally bewildered my husband It completely blindsided me But actually I wasn’t shocked I had been quietly screaming for help since I was a small child
That Fuck Up led me on my course of discovery and healing And I am so fucking grateful I began then
Because the 2nd biggest Fuck Up of my life happened two years later
On the 17th February 2013 see! this time I remember all everything each detail of that day is marked with such clarity
My husband, My Timmy The man who had loved me since I was 14 years old The man who saved me and cherished me The man I loved so much left for town and he never came home He was killed Instantly only 20mins from our home when his vehicle left the road and rolled 200m down the hillside
The trauma from that moment has overshadowed almost every other trauma in my life I was so Fucked Up and Fucked Over by the police, victim support etc The people that are supposed to be there for you What a massive Fucked Up! the spiral rippling effect this one event has had on myself my children our extended family is beyond belief I cannot even write this without crying I can talk about my abuse I can get angry, feel sad, etc But I can’t cry But for this my heart cries It is like a bottomless well of tears that will never stop They are always there No matter how happy my life is or how content I am in the moment This trauma has fucked me up like no other
Leaving our home of over 40 years Packing up after 4 generations that was traumatic in itself The splintering of our family The inability of my children to process and support each other as they each reeled in their own pain We have been so Fucked Up
Moving to the city Creating new life and new friends exciting but So hard I got a job A dream job Working with Sexual Abuse victims I So Loved my job Until I was Fucked Over once again by the person who was supposed to support us and be there for us Our Team Manager After a particular horrendous call out The worst any of us had ever experienced Instead of support and care I was Traumatised Victimised Stung big time by a scorpion Put over a barrel – had to leave Fucked Up Again
And in amongst my story there are my children My children all have their own stories I have permission to tell some but now is not that place Their stories require their own spaces Their stories are interwoven with mine through it all We have become stronger Still Fucked Up But So Much Fuckin Stronger
Facing unknowns Unsure of what I’m entering into Scares me shitless Fighting the triggers and alarm bells reverberating through my deep core Trying to block them out Going through the motions Appearing to be in control Appearances deceptively creating angst
So fucking exhausting
Filling out forms Trying to fit myself into boxes Am I a tick or a cross Why can’t I just be me Why do I have to evaluate, clarify, caterogize, or define myself to be squeezed into boxes of mediocrity You can have my name and address but even those are questionable some days Let me walk in Unwrap me then, if you can cuz I sure as hell can’t most days
So fucking exhausting
Answering cold calls Arrggggg Why did I respond Trigger alert Stress bucket explosion Meltdown Anger – at them, or is it at myself not their fault they don’t know what’s happening at my end of the line Tears Wild out of control emotional Wipeout Damn you trauma brain
So fucking exhausting
just one day in the life of a trauma victim/survivor
It has been just a year – a year like no other We were a fighting force gathered together like a group of raggle taggle gypsies strangers with a common cause We drove together from the south and the north Creating friendships Forming bonds Celebrating life with those who understood Talking freely Rejoicing in the energy surrounding us Fighting for freedoms freedoms lost freedoms stolen not just our freedoms – everyones Fighting for those blinded those hypnotised those scared those compliant
The toll this year has taken is indescribable The abuse The silencing The rollercoasters of energies emotional physical spiritual Exhaustion Exhausted Drained Heartbroken Numbness
Looking into this new year wanting to feel positive But knowing what’s been… Venturing in toe testing the waters Feeling apprehensive scared wary weary
But overall clutching Hope grasping Courage preparing each day to be Brave
