Forgiveness…. an easy word to toss around used so freely by those within the many diverse circles of religiosity especially those who have not experienced abuse the placaters the well meaners the do gooders the word throwers the ones who have not stood in my shoes
Forgiveness…. This word holds so many red cards for me I have struggled with it for decades After being sexually & emotionally abuse for years and years the ruination of my childhood I then go on and live through decades of spiritual abuse and more emotional abuse so much shaming and blaming and shunning by those who can’t accept what my abuser did So ‘forgive’ me if I sound jaded I Am Very Jaded
There’s gotta be a better word Another word A word that takes all the blame and shame and stacks it squarely on who it belongs
Forgiveness…. Thesaurus synonyms are absolution clemency compassion dispensation grace mercy reprieve vindication amnesty reprieve etc All ideations from religiosity
Then there is this noun as in pardon; end of blame End of blame Well fuck me thrice over There is no way I am ever going to end the blame I will never forget what was done to me I will never forget the childhood that was robbed from me I have been shamed to hell and back for nigh on 60yrs There is no way this side of hell freezing over that I am ever going to end the blame or pardon my abuser
This probably sounds angry that’s cuz it is I am angry No matter how much healing work I do it always comes back to bloody forgiveness!
I am not allowing anger to eat me up I am angry but anger is not possessing me I was recently told that “Holding on to anger Is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die“ so hop off your high horses don’t start the lectures don’t drop the platitudes If I was drinking the poison I wouldn’t be processing I wouldn’t be writing This is the way I know how to release
I am doing the work the work I shouldn’t have to be doing cuz it all comes down to the fact that if what was done To me hadn’t been done To me then I wouldn’t have to be asking
When you are living and healing from years of abuse you face daily conundrums you are processing and growing and trying valiantly to heal in a way that allows you to regain your true self the issue is though that you actually don’t know who that is your abuser striped the knowing of your self away from you the moment he took you
you spend a life time trying to regain some sense of self self preservation self worth self confidence so many self’s but you constantly ride a see-saw scared of becoming self centred self focused self ish
so you bury your own self in the search of yourself and get lost in others self’s
instead of fighting your own dragons you protect your self by fighting for and with others against their dragons because instinctively you recognise those are the same dragons you need to fight but they are a step removed from yours so it is less painful
you become a warrior fighting the cause and sympathy becomes empathy but carrying load after load of others pain becomes too heavy
and then warriors break but only when broken can you truly focus on self healing only then do you realise the courage it has taken to get you this far so much courage taken to stay alive it is exhausting
but your journey towards self growth has just begun
you then face more conundrums how do you heal? do you continue to bury the truths of your abuse do you continue the cycle by Not airing your dirty linen in public? Keep sweeping the dirt under the carpet? Shut your mouth cuz it might offend others?
do you stand up and fight do you speak your truths
you have to find Your own courage fight your own battles no one else will fight them for you
you will need to dig deep and find your courage to fight your abuser for the rest of your life even when he is no longer on this planet his dragons will still breath fire through the mouths of others
because no matter how many times you are told it was not your fault it always comes back to it is Your dirty linen Your dirt Your abuse
It is absolute shit revictimisation at his finest
it takes an exhausting amount of courage every day to refuse to wear his dirty linen his dirt his abuse
at first it slams engulfs drowns How can we possibly survive our loss total and utter impossibility shock overwhelms us gut punched bewilderment convulsive sobbing brokenness blankness . . . grief
As moments become days become months
the sadness & sobbing reduce to tears melancholy questions anger more sadness blankness depression fatigue . . . grief
and with the years come resignation flashbacks sleeplessness nostalgic longing embodied sadness emotional numbness rememberings wistful memories . . . grief
Our journey unfolds personal processing no right no wrong grief grips our future it is always there we blank it out we mind block the triggers we hold in tears we nurse the pieces of our broken heart until our inward flowing tears glue the parts together there will always be cracks it will never be whole ever again But those cracks remind us every day of the intense beauty of loving of being loved
When life is trucking along you are hit by small triggers spasmodically but you just stop briefly and deal with them as they bump you then you’re back on course again till the next wee one They feel big But in actuality they’re just potholes that reduce your speed momentarily
But when out of left field a huge train mows you down you don’t have time to run for cover It unleashes all the demons that you’ve managed to keep locked in your basement for the past years
It sucker punches gut punches derails you
all the tips and techniques you’ve learnt all the therapies all the breathing everything just flies out the window
Those demons start playing havoc in your head reigniting memories exhausting you with all the ‘whatifs’ all the ‘whys’
Taking me down trails I don’t want to go the overgrown tracks I have been consciously avoiding shutting out closing my mind to No!! I don’t want to go there again No more Stop!!!
The anger the grief the absolute sadness and the feelings of betrayal
The betrayal is the worst all these years and they knew but they stayed silent
the fight I’ve felt the fight I’ve fought nine years of active duty for my baby
two years of holding him fighting him fighting for him containing him suffering with him but not understanding not knowing the cause or the pain
then the discovery the horror the disbelief and weirdly, the relief as if a diagnosis can heal a broken soul of course it can’t but it gives perspective and some understanding
then finally the arrest
and then the silencing began the waiting holding our breath keeping our tongues lawfully gagged closed mouths unable to release the anger and fears contained within my mothers heart so many tears the anxieties and perplexities watching his continuing agonies his blacknesses his fear and incapacities to live fully shared anger shared pain
after four years of being silenced facing that monster who broke my child who tried to destroy us finally being allowed to voice the hatred my anger for all his despicable evilness
then the feeling of bewilderment as the silencing continues our judicial system works slowly inefficiently almost impotently the temptation to allow a bullet or a rope is so great but reality checks our responses
finally his name is revealed to all but only to all who care only to those who give a damn his name is a 5 min wonder in the daily newspaper buried unless you know
26 months for all the pain and the torture inflicted upon us all 26 months for lives wrecked and destroyed 26 months… words fail me I’m silenced again this time by my inability to express brokenness
then after not long enough gut slamming phone calls parole board mandatory reports received when least expected bolts from the blue jarring me back to those years past
re-opening the numbed lesions of my soul released after 17 months served how is this justice my body tries to find the anger and the rage but all that’s left is soul destroying numbness helplessness nothingness blankness
the proverbial rug has been completely pulled from under the silence is continuing ringing in my ears so loudly i cannot hear i’m crushed my fight is broken
this pain shouldn’t be my pain to carry but this is my baby my precious, precious child the one I birthed and have nurtured for over 2 decades his pain is my pain a mother carries her child’s pain as if it were her own in the hopes that he will eventually be free of his own
when you spend the day creating for a special person to lift their spirits and to share your love and then a phone call one you’ve been dreading hoping not to receive
grief hits you a side blow and you come tumbling down the pain from within echoes that of times past losing a loved life long partner so heartbreakingly hard
tears flow where do I go with this where can I go but to other friends
spend time with friends now before its too late make time take time before you have to join to celebrate the life well lived of yet another friend who has left too soon
when your head hurts when there is so much chaos inside that it blanks out all rational thinking random thoughts swirl around battering my brain cells like a raging storm I try to follow one thought but it diverges into a torrent flowing a different direction another thought and another small streams all diverging into a raging river of pain
pain from so many sources heavy weightedness my head aches with weariness my body drags with an unexplainable lethargy I don’t know how to find the beginning let alone the end too many beginnings they just add and add and add so much more pain and grief to the weightedness I am feeling
a random person sees my pained being delivers a hug causing my eyes leak with tears but still holding back the rivers that want to flow because those nearest cannot see what is inside of me and I am scared than if they do it will horrify them because it terrifies me
I try to grasp at one to decipher where it came from but my brain sees another and runs to that then to another until my head is so full
my hands try to hold my brain the explosions of pain darkness weariness sadness
how can I describe the darkness within when I cannot find the beginning to begin
My journal page during the weekend quote Ann Voskamp
I spent the end of March and the first two days of April participating in a Living Fully Creative Therapy Group 3.25 very intense days It was a ‘retreat’ for sexual abuse survivors. I was fortunate to be put forward for funding to attend. It was with much trepidation that I agreed. I didn’t know what to expect so went with no expectations. I deliberately booked myself into a motel nearby as I knew that I would not cope with the travel too and fro after such intensive days. That was a self care move and a good one I was right. I needed space for me each night.
We were a small group of victims in varying stages of healing. It was challenging, disturbing, distressing, amazing, painful and wonderful all at the same time. To be able to freely communicate and be heard & believed and supported in such a safe way was actually incredible.
I’ve never experienced psychodrama or group therapy before It was certainly very interesting, challenging and emotionally draining. Actively participating in the dramas was definitely not something I was comfortable to do I preferred the role of witness and giving feedback This was an important part of the proceedings The art therapy portions were certainly more my thing There just wasn’t enough of them for me
What did I take from my time there?
Firstly – I learned that I can participate, or not, at whatever level I am comfortable with and saying no is very ok. And I was commended for doing so.
Secondly – I learned that I can hold my own space. That I’m important and have as much right as anyone else to hold space. That I’m not taking from anyone else. And that in owning my space I’m also giving to others.
Thirdly – I learned that I was believed. At all times. I was supported and held in the safest place I’ve ever been in. In the past when I have tried talking openly I’ve been shutdown & silenced. That is revictimisation and I will no longer allow myself to be a victim of that.
Fourthly – I have never read my work aloud to anyone before. I usually write & run. But this time they wanted my words. They asked me to read to them. Their responses were more than could’ve imagined. So much empathy, compassion, & identifying. I felt validated. As a writer. As an artist. As a woman.
An initial 20min exercise at my Living Fully Workshop. The colours portray different areas of my life, the brown are the shadows that people can’t & don’t want to seeDay 2 of my Living Fully Workshop. 20min Art expression session Words which are all part of me at any given time….
For the past few days my mind has been a mash up of blank emotions Feeling with others Identifying with parts of their stories But not knowing how to process my own Because it just feels too huge Too complicated Where do I start my PTSD, my ball of string, has so many pieces rolled into it some are long, very very very long and others are short, abrupt, moments with many varying lengths between
This morning Russell Brand challenged me loud and clear He pushed me up off of my pillows and said Start writing!
Here goes….
My father He was my main fuck up He fucked me up so fucking good He spent my entire childhood ensuring I was totally fucked up And he did such a good job of it Incest is the most confusing type of sexual abuse anyone can endure No violence involved Just so called love and enjoyment It turns my stomach to recall how much he made me enjoy what he did to me For over 10 years That is a total screw up in anyones brain I bury those memories so deep But this morning they are surfacing And I am SO FUCKING ANGRY He stole so much from me The pleasure of actually knowing when I lost my virginity Or the ability to give consent and give myself to who I wanted The never knowing when, because it is blurred into obscurity The not knowing how to guide my own children My children – OMG don’t get me started on that He locked my emotions up so fucking much I didn’t know how to parent or communicate with me own children I so fucked up my own children
That day we were going to visit our friends the day our landrover rolled off the road and down the bank the day the one man I trusted let me down for the first time that one error of judgement set triggers alight that haunt me decades later fears that seem now to be irrational but are so fucking real fear of falling fear of losing my children fear of confined spaces fear of losing control fears, irrational and uncontrollable fears…
Home from the hospital an innocent comment A curious question Allowed us to discover our precious daughter had been abused whilst we were away she was in the care of someone we trusted but still a fucked up deviant who managed to get to my precious little girl So Fucking Up and So Fucking Angry
A month later pregnant with very unplanned baby No4 after pelvic injuries, broken left ankle, sprained right knee and weeks on crutches after a month of painkillers after a month of vomiting then bleeding a bucket full of bleeding nearly died getting to the hospital I lost my baby
Abused by a hospital doctor another man I should’ve been able to trust my husband’s ignorance/innocence in female medical stuff allowed it to happen Nurses enveloped me allowed me to cry helped me understand what he did to me was wrong a week later re-admittance a repeat proceedure re-traumatisation
Finally home Fucked up again No you can’t grieve your baby You gotta praise God Cuz you gotta accept its all part of his plan So no tears No sadness Let’s just praise God and carry on living So Fucked Up
Baby No5 Perfectly normal pregnancy Horrendous delivery Hospital trauma Stirrups Huge needle in my spine during stage 2 Total evacuation of my uterus Post birth – you need to get out of bed Migraine to the max Oops – another medical fuckup More needles in my spine “oh you have a wee boy after 3 girls. How lovely” No fucking way do I want this kid! I am in so much pain and you expect me to love this baby 10 days to finally hold and begin to love my boy Such a Fuck Up
Baby No7 7 years later My friends enveloped me Finally I was allowed to grieve But along the way pieces of trauma varying degrees of severity adding up relationships family dramas accidents business issues so many traumas and falls, so many falls culminating in years and years of body pain But swept aside as just another thing to deal with I kept busy, keeping busy Running the farm Doing all the bookwork Raising & educating my 10 living children Feeding the myriads that surrounded our family table each day Encapsulating extreme busyness! I was really, really good at keeping busy
Unknowingly My stress bucket was filling then one evening one small thing was said But it was magnificent & breathtaking in its delivery and its magnificence overflowed my bucket And I broke An emotional breakdown that completely unhinged me Threw me off of my rotation And spin me out of my carefully controlled busyness It totally bewildered my husband It completely blindsided me But actually I wasn’t shocked I had been quietly screaming for help since I was a small child
That Fuck Up led me on my course of discovery and healing And I am so fucking grateful I began then
Because the 2nd biggest Fuck Up of my life happened two years later
On the 17th February 2013 see! this time I remember all everything each detail of that day is marked with such clarity
My husband, My Timmy The man who had loved me since I was 14 years old The man who saved me and cherished me The man I loved so much left for town and he never came home He was killed Instantly only 20mins from our home when his vehicle left the road and rolled 200m down the hillside
The trauma from that moment has overshadowed almost every other trauma in my life I was so Fucked Up and Fucked Over by the police, victim support etc The people that are supposed to be there for you What a massive Fucked Up! the spiral rippling effect this one event has had on myself my children our extended family is beyond belief I cannot even write this without crying I can talk about my abuse I can get angry, feel sad, etc But I can’t cry But for this my heart cries It is like a bottomless well of tears that will never stop They are always there No matter how happy my life is or how content I am in the moment This trauma has fucked me up like no other
Leaving our home of over 40 years Packing up after 4 generations that was traumatic in itself The splintering of our family The inability of my children to process and support each other as they each reeled in their own pain We have been so Fucked Up
Moving to the city Creating new life and new friends exciting but So hard I got a job A dream job Working with Sexual Abuse victims I So Loved my job Until I was Fucked Over once again by the person who was supposed to support us and be there for us Our Team Manager After a particular horrendous call out The worst any of us had ever experienced Instead of support and care I was Traumatised Victimised Stung big time by a scorpion Put over a barrel – had to leave Fucked Up Again
And in amongst my story there are my children My children all have their own stories I have permission to tell some but now is not that place Their stories require their own spaces Their stories are interwoven with mine through it all We have become stronger Still Fucked Up But So Much Fuckin Stronger
I’ve never done the group thing before It’s pretty damn scary they say we are in a safe place but any time vulnerabilities are released or revealed it doesn’t feel safe it’s hard to feel safe
they say it’s safe here to speak out to tell our stories but hearing others stories silences my own I don’t want my story to overshadow theirs My story is mine and right now it feels like if I speak I am taking from their spaces
I feel conflicted I am not used to just sitting listening watching someone share their pain shed their tears and do nothing except sit in silent agreement I want to go to them to surround them in a heart sharing, heart supporting, hug but we just sit and allow them space to share and to shed to be heard to be seen and to grow
When it is time then maybe just maybe I will allow myself the space to tell my story it just feels too big of a story though it feels like it will take up too much space that I take up too much space that my whole story is actually just too huge Maybe I should write a Readers Digest version it might be easier for others to digest but then I would feel cheated because I too need space to share to be heard to be seen and to grow
