I have spent months processing some issues that have caused ongoing major triggers for me
I’ve been unsure as to why the reactions were so strong
I understood part of them
But it was only recently that I fully understood the depths of the why
And before I start
I want to add
that it is NOT mandatory for ANYONE to have ANY medical tests that they do NOT want to have!
So please allow me the grace to make my own decisions re my own health
Backtracking
to the beginning of this story
We needed to have some blood tests done
So made appointments at our local medical centre
Because of the state of our medical system in NZ currently there are currently no resident doctors at our centre
So we have to see the nurses.
As we do not make a habit of seeing doctors it’s been a while
We both are patients of a Dr in the USA so are not being irresponsible
In fact we are very proactive about our health
Hence staying with a Dr who works with us as we need despite the distances
During our appointment the nurse started scrolling through my records
and I started getting the inquisition
‘You haven’t had a mammogram’
“No – I have thermograms and I am actually scheduled for one next week “
‘You haven’t had a cervical smear in a long time’
“No, I don’t actually want one”
Then the coercions began
‘It’s over 5 years so it’s free for you’
‘It’s so easy now, you just do it yourself’
‘Here you go, go do it now while I sort your husband’s blood tests’
I felt cornered, to an extent bullied…
I acquiesced and went
I came away feeling incredibly angry with myself for not fighting for myself
A week later
We were away from home
I get a call from her
Telling me that HrHPV had been detected
And I needed to come in for a ‘proper cervical smear’
She insisted I make an appointment for when we returned home
So from then I was riding the Rollercoaster of Fear!
I couldn’t talk to anyone
Until my therapist processed things with me
My choices were
– do nothing
– go have it done
– ask for another nurse as I had felt so bullied by the first one
I was already riding the rollercoaster so doing nothing was a hard option
I was triggered, distressed, angry
After a few days I called the clinic and asked to see a different nurse
one of my choice
All good!
So a week later we were home and I dutifully went
I was absolutely stunned when the first nurse came to get me
I was not happy
I felt trapped again
I managed to reiterate that I had not wanted the smear in the first place
That I had asked for another nurse
So she went to find her and I was able to switch rooms right away
This nurse I feel more comfortable with
I finally agreed to have the smear done
It was BLOODY awful
SO painful
In so many ways
By the time it was over I was a sobbing mess
To inflict this on a woman is bad enough
But on a woman who endured years of sexual assault and rape
This is invasive and soul destroying
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough
A week later
the results came back Negative
Same scenario as many years ago
I was so pissed off that I had allowed myself to get back on that rollercoaster
Two months later we had to return to the clinic
This time to get a prescription sorted
This time to see a locum
an unknown male doctor
As we drove
my stomach began churning
my head was pounding
I was feeling really sick
I realised I was experiencing full on panic attack
Very thankful for understanding spousal support
Also grateful to meet the doctor
as he was wonderful
and understanding
and helpful
and not a bully
Such a major relief
Moving forward a few weeks to another therapy session
Talking about other things
when all of a sudden I was hit by the understanding as to why I reacted so violently to the situation at the clinic
Yes, there was definitely the understandable reaction of an abuse victim
But there was more
and this is where it gets very personal
and you may want to leave the room about now
When I was a child
from the age of 7-8 till 18
I was a victim of incest at the hands of my father
This is not debatable
it happened
it is My Truth
I was asked last week
how did I seperate the pain from the pleasure
That is one of the hardest things for a child to compute
because incest is delivered by the person who you love and who is supposed to love you
It is not always violent
there is a lot of grooming
and is executed in a misguided ‘loving way’
so there is more pleasure than pain
Just explaining this makes me want to vomit
My response to the question came along with flashbacks that I had buried
but obviously not deep enough
“As a preteen/teen I felt incredibly trapped
and I went through the motions required just so I could escape as fast as I could”
At that moment I understood my reaction in the nurses clinic
I felt trapped
I acquiesced to enable my escape
I had retreated back into that young girl
and I did the only thing I knew how
I hope you haven’t run out of popcorn
this isn’t the end of the story
just this chapter….
