Art journaling – Unraveling…

When Trauma is a Reaction not a Memory

When I broke and subsequently began therapy
little did I know the journey it would take me
Almost. Fifteen. Years.
to get to this point where I can say
I am ok
I think….
I can do this myself

The day I remember breaking was Friday 28th 2011
I was actually, very probably, breaking for a long long time prior to this
But it was the pivotal date
The ‘mouse who sank the boat’ point
I googled that date today
it returned with the “Friday of Anger,”
How appropriate
So many years of bottled anger
exploded that day

The actual historical events,
The traumas I have experienced
Are not the actual stumbling blocks anymore
Yes they happened
And I survived them
But it is the imprints left by those events on my mind, body, and brain
It is those imprints that I deal with
Every moment
of every day

It is the recognition of those imprints
that I have been learning about
that I have been working with
that I have been healing from

Imprints of trauma
are reactions
that kick you out of the blue
when you are least expecting them
Your body holds trauma memory
and that body memory is what creates the reactions

Learning to control those reactions
is difficult
but not impossible
From processing them
comes understanding
and from the understanding
comes more processing
and after many cycles of the above
comes healing

There are so many therapies out there
and none are a blueprint to fix all
You have to walk a journey,
an exploration
to find out what works for you
what helps reeducate your brain, your body and your mind

Personally I have avoided the drug realm
they are not for me
I have tried many other psychotherapies
some are effectual
others are not so much
and others are absolutely not me

Where am I at now?
after nearly 15 years….

I am not healed
I am still healing
I continue avoidance
but it is a choice now
not a negative reaction
I set boundaries
not so much out of fear now
but as healthy protection

I can acknowledge the shadows
But I don’t focus on them

I can see the joy in moments
I’ve stopped searching darknesses

I can focus on cars on the highway
and I try not to see impending doom
This has been my hardest trauma reaction to heal
but I am progressing…

I try not to fixate on rain clouds
They disappear in moments
The sun is always behind them
I just have to remember to let it shine

“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

when darkness descends – again

when your head hurts
when there is so much chaos inside
that it blanks out all rational thinking
random thoughts
swirl around
battering my brain cells like a raging storm
I try to follow one thought
but it diverges into a torrent flowing a different direction
another thought
and another
small streams
all diverging into a raging river of pain

pain from so many sources
heavy weightedness
my head aches
with weariness
my body drags with an unexplainable lethargy
I don’t know how to find the beginning
let alone the end
too many beginnings
they just add and add and add
so much more pain
and grief
to the weightedness I am feeling

a random person sees
my pained being
delivers a hug
causing my eyes leak with tears
but still holding back the rivers that want to flow
because those nearest
cannot see
what is inside of me
and I am scared
than if they do
it will horrify them
because it terrifies me

I try to grasp at one
to decipher
where it came from
but my brain sees another
and runs to that
then to another
until my head is so full

my hands try to hold my brain
the explosions of pain
darkness
weariness
sadness

how can I describe
the darkness within
when I cannot find the beginning
to begin

Living Fully Creative Therapy

My journal page during the weekend
quote Ann Voskamp

I spent the end of March and the first two days of April participating in a Living Fully Creative Therapy Group
3.25 very intense days
It was a ‘retreat’ for sexual abuse survivors.
I was fortunate to be put forward for funding to attend.
It was with much trepidation that I agreed.
I didn’t know what to expect so went with no expectations.
I deliberately booked myself into a motel nearby as I knew that I would not cope with the travel too and fro after such intensive days.
That was a self care move and a good one
I was right.
I needed space for me each night.

We were a small group of victims in varying stages of healing.
It was challenging, disturbing, distressing, amazing, painful and wonderful all at the same time.
To be able to freely communicate and be heard & believed and supported in such a safe way was actually incredible.

I’ve never experienced psychodrama or group therapy before
It was certainly very interesting, challenging and emotionally draining.
Actively participating in the dramas was definitely not something I was comfortable to do
I preferred the role of witness and giving feedback
This was an important part of the proceedings
The art therapy portions were certainly more my thing
There just wasn’t enough of them for me

What did I take from my time there?

Firstly – I learned that I can participate, or not, at whatever level I am comfortable with and saying no is very ok.
And I was commended for doing so.

Secondly – I learned that I can hold my own space.
That I’m important and have as much right as anyone else to hold space.
That I’m not taking from anyone else.
And that in owning my space I’m also giving to others.

Thirdly – I learned that I was believed.
At all times.
I was supported and held in the safest place I’ve ever been in.
In the past when I have tried talking openly I’ve been shutdown & silenced.
That is revictimisation and I will no longer allow myself to be a victim of that.

Fourthly – I have never read my work aloud to anyone before.
I usually write & run.
But this time they wanted my words.
They asked me to read to them.
Their responses were more than could’ve imagined.
So much empathy, compassion, & identifying.
I felt validated.
As a writer.
As an artist.
As a woman.

An initial 20min exercise at my Living Fully Workshop.
The colours portray different areas of my life, the brown are the shadows that people can’t & don’t want to see

Day 2 of my Living Fully Workshop. 20min Art expression session
Words which are all part of me at any given time….

finding my space

I’ve never done the group thing before
It’s pretty damn scary
they say we are in a safe place
but any time vulnerabilities are released or revealed
it doesn’t feel safe
it’s hard to feel safe

they say it’s safe here to speak out
to tell our stories
but hearing others stories
silences my own
I don’t want my story to overshadow theirs
My story is mine
and right now it feels like if I speak
I am taking from their spaces

I feel conflicted
I am not used to just sitting
listening
watching
someone share their pain
shed their tears
and do nothing
except sit in silent agreement
I want to go to them
to surround them in a heart sharing, heart supporting, hug
but we just sit
and allow them space
to share
and to shed
to be heard
to be seen
and to grow

When it is time
then maybe
just maybe
I will allow myself the space
to tell my story
it just feels too big of a story though
it feels like it will take up too much space
that I take up too much space
that my whole story is actually just too huge
Maybe I should write a Readers Digest version
it might be easier for others to digest
but then I would feel cheated
because I too need space
to share
to be heard
to be seen
and to grow