planetary flows

tides ebb and flow
planets come and go
mercury retrogrades
moons collide
solar flares
lunar eclipses
natures mysteries abound


growing through conservative christianity
taught everything outside was evil
don’t do this
don’t touch that
you’ll allow the devil his hold

wakening now
realising
that I am part of this awesome universe
created by God
and in the being part of
I am feeling part of
so the ebbs and flows
effect my very core

being the very practical being I am
sceptical of things unknown
things unseen that I cannot prove
yet now
I am feeling
and recognising the ebbs & flows
that are affecting my essential self

my life is my long journey
and yet in the aeons of time
it is but a brief blink
connected to the universe of which I am just a tiny speck
I am but a pin prick
feeling such insignificance
how and why does the universe care enough about me
to include me in its ebbs & flows

I am but sand on the shore
a drop of water within the seas
but my life has relevance
and meaning
I must hold some importance
otherwise why am I here

growing up through the Age of Aquarius
it was but a mere song
a hippie chick sang
living on the fringes of churchism
feeling frowned upon for even thinking the lyrics
but on delving in
I see its relevance during my lifetime

apparently though
I have the energy of Sun in conjunct with Pluto
a rare thing indeed
my presence on this planet is to do what I am doing
I am not just a mere speck
I am burning, cleaning, clearing the way
facing the darkside
constantly transforming
articulating
communicating to others

by opening up my heart
allowing the blood of my traumas to flow
releasing the pain and reality of my damaged soul
I am letting the sunshine in
to the hearts of others
as they resonate with my words
no matter the darkness they hold
or the life they bring

sharing gives strength
breaking darkness to let the light in
releasing energy
breaking tensions
allowing the ebb & flow of my life
to encourage others
that is my reason for living

Living Fully Creative Therapy

My journal page during the weekend
quote Ann Voskamp

I spent the end of March and the first two days of April participating in a Living Fully Creative Therapy Group
3.25 very intense days 😥
It was a ‘retreat’ for sexual abuse survivors.
I was fortunate to be put forward for funding to attend.
It was with much trepidation that I agreed.
I didn’t know what to expect so went with no expectations.
I deliberately booked myself into a motel nearby as I knew that I would not cope with the travel too and fro after such intensive days.
That was a self care move and a good one
I was right.
I needed space for me each night.

We were a small group of victims in varying stages of healing.
It was challenging, disturbing, distressing, amazing, painful and wonderful all at the same time.
To be able to freely communicate and be heard & believed and supported in such a safe way was actually incredible.

I’ve never experienced psychodrama or group therapy before 😬
It was certainly very interesting, challenging and emotionally draining.
Actively participating in the dramas was definitely not something I was comfortable to do
I preferred the role of witness and giving feedback
This was an important part of the proceedings
The art therapy portions were certainly more my thing
There just wasn’t enough of them for me 😉


What did I take from my time there?

Firstly – I learned that I can participate, or not, at whatever level I am comfortable with and saying no is very ok.
And I was commended for doing so.

Secondly – I learned that I can hold my own space.
That I’m important and have as much right as anyone else to hold space.
That I’m not taking from anyone else.
And that in owning my space I’m also giving to others.

Thirdly – I learned that I was believed.
At all times.
I was supported and held in the safest place I’ve ever been in.
In the past when I have tried talking openly I’ve been shutdown & silenced.
That is revictimisation and I will no longer allow myself to be a victim of that.

Fourthly – I have never read my work aloud to anyone before.
I usually write & run.
But this time they wanted my words.
They asked me to read to them.
Their responses were more than could’ve imagined.
So much empathy, compassion, & identifying.
I felt validated.
As a writer.
As an artist.
As a woman.

An initial 20min exercise at my Living Fully Workshop.
The colours portray different areas of my life, the brown are the shadows that people can’t & don’t want to see

Day 2 of my Living Fully Workshop. 20min Art expression session
Words which are all part of me at any given time….

it wasn’t rape, was it?


I didn’t fight
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

They were doctors
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

He was my husband
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I said yes because I was afraid he would kill me
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I kept quiet so my kids wouldn’t wake
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I was a child and he said he loved me
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

He was a friend, relation, I knew him well
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I wasn’t wearing enough clothing
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I was walking home alone at night
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

He said I obviously didn’t love him if I didn’t
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I was intoxicated and cannot remember
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

He said he would buy me drugs is I did
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

He didnt use his penis
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I don’t have any bruises
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

I forgot to lock the door
so it wasn’t rape
was it?

the excuses and the shaming are endless….


I am angry to the core of my soul every time I hear the excuses
the humiliation of diminishment
the dismissiveness

Rape is power & control
Rape is abuse
Rape is predominantly male against female
but not exclusively so

Rape is fucking Rape
so
Stop
dumbing it down
and
Stop
Shaming the victims!

Just Fucking Stop!