She deserves to live

“Being unable to tell your story is a living death, and sometimes a literal one.”
Rebecca Solnit

For the past 10 years I have been learning how to be the adult to my broken child
The child who endured traumas no child should ever have to
The child whose trust was broken over and over
The child who was continually silenced
The child who lived a double life
In constant trauma
In fear of many fears

The adult in me continues to live that double life
Because the silencing continues
No matter how strong this adult becomes
The fear
And the hurt
And the betrayals
The repercussions of all the damage
of all the traumas
Keep reappearing when least expected
When vulnerabilities are low
When circumstances allow the cracks to widen
So the strengths gained are cruelly eroded

No matter how hard I try
The voices of the non understanding ones
The antagonists continuing the victimisation of the perpetrators
Keep penetrating the mind of the unheard child

‘keep clear of her, she’s a total fruitloop, making allegations’
Seriously?
And they were there?
No they weren’t there
And they are still not there
The ones she needed
The ones she thought she could trust
The ones she should’ve been able to trust
Were not there
Are still not here

Protecting my inner child is exhausting
It is a constant daily
Her story deserves to be heard
She deserves to live
And I will fight to my death to allow her to live

Your inner child needs to trust you as the adult in their lives.
An adult who can watch over, protect, witness, honor, guide, lead, and love you.
This relationship between adult you and little you in one of the most sacred ones there is.
Vienna Pharaon

Thankfully this adult has been blessed
With a circle of support and love
That surpasses blood
That holds me when when my anguished child breaks
For this I am truly grateful

Again…

When my words stop flowing
They begin piling up within

Silencing begins slowly
One small trigger
That stops a word
That stops a sentence
And before I know it
My words have become dammed

Before I realise
The metaphoric hand is across my mouth
Again…
My words are held captive
Racing round and round
Within my brain
Out of control
Unable to find escape
Tormenting
Damning
Shaming
Me
Again…


When my words stop flowing
They begin piling up within
Like unread books
Stacked randomly
Teetering
With constrained
Vulnerability
On an unstable shelf

Until
The shelf fails
The books fall
Pages scatter
The metaphoric is torn away
Allowing my words escape
Liberated
Flooding forth
Demanding coherance
Gaining volume
Reclaiming power
And my healing process
Continues
Again…

Until my words stop flowing
Again….