I am So Fucking Angry!

I lost another friend this week

I am So Fucking Angry

Sexual assault has permeated my entire life
I am so weary
So tired
So hurting
So incredibly sad
and so very very angry

Just to be clear
completely clarify
To ensure you are hearing me
I will say it again
I have spent the best part of my life surviving
The best part
55 years of my life
surviving 10 years of childhood sexual assault
I have spent the past 10 years healing
As I have healed
and become more vocal, open,
I have had countless approaches
from other victims
from families of victims
asking for help, understanding, a shoulder, an ear

Every persons story is different
But every story is the same
Self blame

When you are a victim of sexual assault
It takes every ounce of your energy every day
every single fucking day
to stay alive

When/if you can finally face your traumas
When/if you can finally stand firm in your wobbly standfirmedness
Grasping tentatively for strength
every moment of every day
And proclaim with some sense of achievement
‘I am a Survivor’
No matter how much healing
No matter how much happiness you find
No matter how much you learn
No matter how much communication improves
Sexual Assault
the very core of you
neurological damage to the brain which you never fully recover from
Danielle explains perfectly
“I feel like there was a version of me that disappeared the day I was abused for the first time. Those few minutes became the point at which the before disappeared and the after began.” 

We all know
well those of us that have are damaged understand
the diagnosable obvious recognisable resulting behaviours
suicidal ideation
post-traumatic stress
self harm
substance abuse
and these are just the obvious, the most common
there is so so much more….

But lets really get very real here folks
Sexual assault tortures
It tortures the soul of you
It exhausts you

But ultimately
Sexual assault kills
It kills communication
It kills conversation
It kills your spirit
It kills your soul
It kills your mind
It kills relationships
It kills families
It kills people
It Kills!

And to my friend
I just want to say
I really really do hear you
I understand you
I understand your pain
I don’t need to hear your story
I know
I also know how so important it is for you to tell your story
To Get It Out
And to be heard
I am so very sorry you couldn’t hear me
I am so very sorry I couldn’t hear you
We are both damaged wounded souls
And I pray you will be heard by others who can hear you better than I was able