When I broke and subsequently began therapy
little did I know the journey it would take me
Almost. Fifteen. Years.
to get to this point where I can say
I am ok
I think….
I can do this myself
The day I remember breaking was Friday 28th 2011
I was actually, very probably, breaking for a long long time prior to this
But it was the pivotal date
The ‘mouse who sank the boat’ point
I googled that date today
it returned with the “Friday of Anger,”
How appropriate
So many years of bottled anger
exploded that day
The actual historical events,
The traumas I have experienced
Are not the actual stumbling blocks anymore
Yes they happened
And I survived them
But it is the imprints left by those events on my mind, body, and brain
It is those imprints that I deal with
Every moment
of every day
It is the recognition of those imprints
that I have been learning about
that I have been working with
that I have been healing from
Imprints of trauma
are reactions
that kick you out of the blue
when you are least expecting them
Your body holds trauma memory
and that body memory is what creates the reactions
Learning to control those reactions
is difficult
but not impossible
From processing them
comes understanding
and from the understanding
comes more processing
and after many cycles of the above
comes healing
There are so many therapies out there
and none are a blueprint to fix all
You have to walk a journey,
an exploration
to find out what works for you
what helps reeducate your brain, your body and your mind
Personally I have avoided the drug realm
they are not for me
I have tried many other psychotherapies
some are effectual
others are not so much
and others are absolutely not me
Where am I at now?
after nearly 15 years….
I am not healed
I am still healing
I continue avoidance
but it is a choice now
not a negative reaction
I set boundaries
not so much out of fear now
but as healthy protection
I can acknowledge the shadows
But I don’t focus on them
I can see the joy in moments
I’ve stopped searching darknesses
I can focus on cars on the highway
and I try not to see impending doom
This has been my hardest trauma reaction to heal
but I am progressing…
I try not to fixate on rain clouds
They disappear in moments
The sun is always behind them
I just have to remember to let it shine
“We have learned that trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body. This imprint has ongoing consequences for how the human organism manages to survive in the present. Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
