When you are living and healing from years of abuse
you face daily conundrums
you are processing and growing
and trying valiantly to heal
in a way that allows you to regain your true self
the issue is though
that you actually don’t know who that is
your abuser striped the knowing of your self
away from you the moment he took you
you spend a life time
trying to regain some sense of self
self preservation
self worth
self confidence
so many self’s
but you constantly ride a see-saw
scared of becoming
self centred
self focused
self ish
so you bury your own self in the search of yourself
and get lost in others self’s
instead of fighting your own dragons
you protect your self by fighting for and with others against their dragons
because instinctively you recognise those are the same dragons you need to fight
but they are a step removed from yours so it is less painful
you become a warrior
fighting the cause
and sympathy becomes empathy
but carrying load after load of others pain
becomes too heavy
and then warriors break
but only when broken can you truly focus on self healing
only then do you realise the courage it has taken to get you this far
so much courage taken to stay alive
it
is
exhausting
but your journey towards self growth has just begun
you then face more conundrums
how do you heal?
do you
continue to bury the truths of your abuse
do you
continue the cycle by
Not airing your dirty linen in public?
Keep sweeping the dirt under the carpet?
Shut your mouth cuz it might offend others?
do you stand up and fight
do you speak your truths
you have to find Your own courage
fight your own battles
no one else will fight them for you
you will need to dig deep and find your courage
to fight your abuser for the rest of your life
even when he is no longer on this planet
his dragons will still breath fire through the mouths of others
because no matter how many times you are told
it was not your fault
it always comes back to
it is
Your dirty linen
Your dirt
Your abuse
It is absolute shit
revictimisation at his finest
it takes an exhausting amount of courage
every day
to refuse to wear
his dirty linen
his dirt
his abuse
it take courage every day
to tame your dragons
