“Being unable to tell your story is a living death, and sometimes a literal one.” Rebecca Solnit
For the past 10 years I have been learning how to be the adult to my broken child The child who endured traumas no child should ever have to The child whose trust was broken over and over The child who was continually silenced The child who lived a double life In constant trauma In fear of many fears
The adult in me continues to live that double life Because the silencing continues No matter how strong this adult becomes The fear And the hurt And the betrayals The repercussions of all the damage of all the traumas Keep reappearing when least expected When vulnerabilities are low When circumstances allow the cracks to widen So the strengths gained are cruelly eroded
No matter how hard I try The voices of the non understanding ones The antagonists continuing the victimisation of the perpetrators Keep penetrating the mind of the unheard child
‘keep clear of her, she’s a total fruitloop, making allegations’ Seriously? And they were there? No they weren’t there And they are still not there The ones she needed The ones she thought she could trust The ones she should’ve been able to trust Were not there Are still not here
Protecting my inner child is exhausting It is a constant daily Her story deserves to be heard She deserves to live And I will fight to my death to allow her to live
Your inner child needs to trust you as the adult in their lives. An adult who can watch over, protect, witness, honor, guide, lead, and love you. This relationship between adult you and little you in one of the most sacred ones there is. Vienna Pharaon
Thankfully this adult has been blessed With a circle of support and love That surpasses blood That holds me when when my anguished child breaks For this I am truly grateful
When my words stop flowing They begin piling up within
Silencing begins slowly One small trigger That stops a word That stops a sentence And before I know it My words have become dammed
Before I realise The metaphoric hand is across my mouth Again… My words are held captive Racing round and round Within my brain Out of control Unable to find escape Tormenting Damning Shaming Me Again…
When my words stop flowing They begin piling up within Like unread books Stacked randomly Teetering With constrained Vulnerability On an unstable shelf
Until The shelf fails The books fall Pages scatter The metaphoric is torn away Allowing my words escape Liberated Flooding forth Demanding coherance Gaining volume Reclaiming power And my healing process Continues Again…
masks we all wear that disguise the pain of the feelings the pain of being the pain of the lie – not good enough
such sadness we unwittingly embrace until we stumble upon someone or something who gives us permission confidence freedom to find the strength within to remove the masks to reveal our vulnerabilities to reveal the us
then we find the real, the ability to really love ourselves and each other
My brain has been all over the place during this tumultuous period of our lives There have been so so many triggers I have really been struggling to process them all My emotional state has been highly disturbed and at a very low ebb
Modern technology has been both a curse and a blessing The curse of information overload what to believe what to not who to believe who to not
I have learnt to use Zoom which has been such a blessing as the one certainty each week has been my hour with my therapist It is the 9am appointment that I have to get out of bed and show up for She has helped me unravel my trauma brain amongst all of this confusion The first week was so bad I was drowning in isolation I did not cope with being locked in with being controlled with being silenced with living in fear
Unraveling… Taking it back… Processing…
As a child I was mind controlled I was silenced by fear I was isolated by fear and I was locked in by the knowledge that if I spoke up I would destroy so much By keeping silent I was protecting everyone else but also protecting myself I found strength enough to hold the abuse But I wasn’t strong enough to endure the consequences of breaking silence
My brain was fighting, struggling with being taken back down that dark trauma rabbit hole I was drowning
Once I was able to process and identify I spoke up Voiced my fears And I was heard My friends and family heard my cry for help And through video coffee dates and phone calls And walks in the sunshine & lots of supportive cuddles from my love I have made it through thus far
“My life is so blessed with some of the most amazing people. Thank you for being part of my journey.” – Unknown
I never recognised depression or anxiety within myself for many many years My perceived strength didn’t allow me the grace to recognise or acknowledge them I was too strong I had to be strong to survive Along the way there were times When I cracked just a little bit But not enough for me to acknowledge the causes or the effects It took me a very long time to completely break But in breaking I then began learning about myself Learning that my strength was what protected me Helped me endure Helped me cope through all the traumas But even the strongest things become brittle over time And brittle breaks
And despite all the therapy over the past 8 years all the self learning all of the self care I am allowing myself Yes – I still have to negotiate in my head that I need and deserve to love myself enough to care about myself that I deserve to put me first I still break But each time it is a less substantial break
I give so much of myself I still put myself last I still struggle to stand up and speak out for me I am so good at standing for others speaking up for others advocating for others But I am total shit about advocating for myself
And that is classic victim mentality Damnit!
On the home front here in New Zealand Sexual abuse victims are able to access therapy via ACC sensitive claims Part of this involves undergoing psychological assessments to ascertain authenticity and then ongoing treatment / well-being plans Some fight this process They perceive a stigma attached with mental health diagnosis I don’t have an issue with it If my legs were broken or paralysed I would accept help So if my inner being is damaged I also need to accept help
Since I broke eight years ago I have undergone two assessments I got to a place where I was so broken I needed to accept help No matter where it came from And no matter what strings they attached I was initially diagnosed with PTSD that’s an easy one yeah, well not so easy really It’s actually a bloody nightmare to live with but I’ve managed to wrap my head around that over the past 8 years and I’ve been learning to understand myself within it But during my recent assessment there was an added diagnosis Recurrant Depressive Disorder Great! Another official stamp I so hate being put into boxes But officialdom decrees that to fund my ongoing healthcare I have to tick boxes So anyways… Combine these two along with the constant sleep disorder that delights in being part of the party And the results are at times not pretty
Several weeks ago the tears began The sleeplessness revved up I was breaking Life was attacking me from so many quarters It is like I have 69 different people demanding from me all at the same time But each of those 69 do not realise that there are 68 others It is like a relentless attack on my brain My nervous system goes into hypervigilance I become incredibly anxious My sleep becomes fitful exhaustion, migraines, physical pain, irritibilty, all increase I become hyper alert, hyper aroused, anxious, fearful, And the tears just wont stop
I know that living with me is hard but Living with my self is nigh impossible
I am becoming more aware now though And trying to be more proactive when I feel myself breaking Recently I just had to shut down I allowed myself to Take time Pull back Unload Accept help Increase self care And, the biggest hurdle of all Ask for help Sometimes talking with my therapist is not quite enough to get through these patches This time I have started taking natural ‘meds’ Personally I struggle with taking medication I have fought it for years But now, after a consultation, I am taking 5htp, B6 plus some extra strength multi vitamins They seem to be helping I am feeling changes A few days in and I realised I was smiling again
I am also making a resolved choice to pull myself out of this current hole I’m not out of it yet But I sure as hell am a heap better than I was several weeks ago
And I sure as hell am so grateful for my BFF’s who carry me through these dark days in their own special ways
and to my incredibly supportive fiancé who holds the umbrella during my storms, he not only encourages me to go lion buying – he goes with me 🙂
Arggghhhhh!!!!!! Processing through another massive trigger attack Trying to describe what happens within to explain the outward displays of apparent irrational behaviours
Well they seem to be irrational to those who are not living in my skin
But in my head Robot is blindly circling amok yelling ‘danger! danger! danger! danger! do not compute!’
distressing my brain even more exposing every nerve ending until they are bleeding raw pain
Every part my body is fraught on edge skrieking at the slightest infraction Fear rises to the surface
I’m frightened of everything I perceive as threatening anything that might possibly compromise my safety of loss of death just. plain. scared.
I cry all the time tears flow too damn freely uncontrollable I hate myself for being like this
Processing deeply trying to understand myself Trying to understand myself so others might try to understand me
