My brain has been all over the place during this tumultuous period of our lives There have been so so many triggers I have really been struggling to process them all My emotional state has been highly disturbed and at a very low ebb
Modern technology has been both a curse and a blessing The curse of information overload what to believe what to not who to believe who to not
I have learnt to use Zoom which has been such a blessing as the one certainty each week has been my hour with my therapist It is the 9am appointment that I have to get out of bed and show up for She has helped me unravel my trauma brain amongst all of this confusion The first week was so bad I was drowning in isolation I did not cope with being locked in with being controlled with being silenced with living in fear
Unraveling… Taking it back… Processing…
As a child I was mind controlled I was silenced by fear I was isolated by fear and I was locked in by the knowledge that if I spoke up I would destroy so much By keeping silent I was protecting everyone else but also protecting myself I found strength enough to hold the abuse But I wasn’t strong enough to endure the consequences of breaking silence
My brain was fighting, struggling with being taken back down that dark trauma rabbit hole I was drowning
Once I was able to process and identify I spoke up Voiced my fears And I was heard My friends and family heard my cry for help And through video coffee dates and phone calls And walks in the sunshine & lots of supportive cuddles from my love I have made it through thus far
“My life is so blessed with some of the most amazing people. Thank you for being part of my journey.” – Unknown
Sexual assault has permeated my entire life I am so weary So tired So hurting So incredibly sad and so very very angry
Just to be clear completely clarify To ensure you are hearing me I will say it again I AM SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW I have spent the best part of my life surviving The best part 55 years of my life surviving 10 years of childhood sexual assault I have spent the past 10 years healing As I have healed and become more vocal, open, I have had countless approaches from other victims from families of victims asking for help, understanding, a shoulder, an ear
Every persons story is different But every story is the same Violation Betrayal Guilt Shame Self blame
When you are a victim of sexual assault It takes every ounce of your energy every day every single fucking day to stay alive
We all know well those of us that have are damaged understand the diagnosable obvious recognisable resulting behaviours depression anxiety suicidal ideation post-traumatic stress self harm aggression impulsiveness delinquency hyperactivity substance abuse and these are just the obvious, the most common there is so so much more….
But lets really get very real here folks Sexual assault tortures It tortures the soul of you It exhausts you
But ultimately Sexual assault kills It kills communication It kills conversation It kills your spirit It kills your soul It kills your mind It kills relationships It kills families It kills people It Kills!
And to my friend I just want to say I really really do hear you I understand you I understand your pain I don’t need to hear your story I know I also know how so important it is for you to tell your story To Get It Out And to be heard I am so very sorry you couldn’t hear me I am so very sorry I couldn’t hear you We are both damaged wounded souls And I pray you will be heard by others who can hear you better than I was able