Unraveling…

the silence in my brain
created by overwhelming noises
all bamblasting in such cacophony
that all that remains
is a deafening silence
of thought

my fingers want to type
my mouth wants to speak
but the noises
overpower any ability
to enunciate
with any lucidity

a diet of calm
a room of quiet
a basket of tranquility
preordered & paid for
but delivery is always postponed
or seemingly canceled entirely

the silence in my brain
so loud it is deafening
freezing my fingers
closing my mouth
in effect
silencing me – again

Everything was done locally
My parents didn’t have a lot of money so the wedding was not extravagant but my memories are fairly positive of a wonderful day.
I only recall one negative upset and that was a difficult aunt who decided to make an issue about attending but it all worked out in the end and who cares now!
Oh yes – there was a major near disaster on the day!!
I’d done a very radical thing and had a perm only a few days before – shock! horror! why oh why? – it was awful.
My cousin Clare thankfully came to the rescue and did my hair for me
She put all to rights and made everything all perfect
I will always love her for that – plus the fact she’s my big cuz and I’ve always loved her 🙂

My friend Cynthia and I sewed all our clothes over the weeks prior – my dress, Tim’s 3 piece suit, shirt AND tie, and my sister’s skirt & top.
Our clothing styles weren’t appreciated by Tim’s father as the colours were a tad non traditional LOL
I am definitely a non conformist from early days 😉
I remember we were also amused that his Mum wore black to our wedding too – just as well she and I got along well or I’d have thought there was more to it lol!

The food was catered by the local tavern using produce we had all supplied. Including fresh fish we netted, and fresh mussels Tim & I had harvested off the rocks on Te Ekeatekonganui / Reef Point at the back of our farm.
Note that this was the only Maori word that Tim could successfully pronounce and he was most proud of that fact – which is saying a lot as it was 43 years ago when pronunciation was perceived as difficult & unimportant and not pursued by many.
This was also several years before mussel farming was a thing – who knew what was ahead!

The flowers from local sources but my specific memory fails at this point.
I remember my grandmother carefully nursing her neighbours lily of the valley bulbs to last long enough to be picked for my hair
The photos were taken by our friend Graham at the beginning of a long illustrious career for him.
No such thing as videoing but there is a tape recording packed away somewhere in my treasure boxes.
The cakes were baked by my mother and iced beautifully by a neighbour from across the paddocks.

We had a weeping elm in our front garden so a huge marquee was erected over the top of it extending over the front door decking
This caused many questions during the evening of how exactly did the tree get inside the tent??
We had to carry the cakes outside for a mock up of the cake cutting due to lighting. Our bestman, also Tim, tripped on the guy rope but thankfully the cakes were saved – whew!
The top tier of the cake was saved as per tradition for cutting at the christening of our eldest child just a year later
The All Blacks were playing Ireland with a final winning score of 10-6 that same night so most of the guests ended up inside watching on our old box shaped B&W TV which balanced precariously on top of the roll top desk in our living room.
Funnily enough on the night of my 2nd wedding there was also a rugby game playing in Nelson of major importance – Crusaders vs Warratahs
Thankfully there was no TV at our venue to interrupt our celebrations 😉

I did find out later that one of our guests choked on a bone during the celebrations but thankfully help was on hand and she survived – whew!
The weather turned rather cold that night and unfortunately my health suffered as I got very chilled and I had a relapse of glandular fever during our honeymoon.

• 

• 

We spent our wedding night at what is now the Scenic Hotel Marlborough in Blenheim, and much to my grandmother’s surprise we turned up late the next morning so Tim could eat leftovers as he wasn’t going to pay for food at the hotel
He was used to living very frugally and if he couldn’t pay cash he didn’t buy.
A good principle to live by which wisdom many would benefit from today.


We headed off south westwards on our honeymoon that day but that’s another story for another time…

I took a lot of care when choosing my own children’s names
It was important to me that they had names that meant something strong and positive
They are another story for another time…

I know Why I was named but due to my young life experiences
all of my three names have held very negative connotations

Recently whilst discussing my innate ability to help others my therapist suggested I was a human rights activist
“No – more of an advocate”
‘What other descriptives do you think of yourself?’
“Warrior” popped into my head
and with that our talk wound its way down a rabbit hole which has turned my perceptions of my names and myself upside down
In a good way

I have always hated my second name
My parents had friends
An elderly childless couple
They named me after her
Hilda
I have always hated the name but joked it out by saying at least I saved my brothers
His name was Percival!
They were reprieved from that – they really do need to thank me for bearing the burden 🙂

But when my therapist began leading me to explore further
I knew Hilda meant Battle or Battlemaiden
And even though we both have similar Shetland / Scandinavian roots she did not know about the Valkeries
So we began exploring the stories,
The Valkeries carried the chosen dead from the battlefields and carried them to Valhalla for Odin
They were fierce, determined, caring,
Hildr was one of the named ones
she was recorded as being of importance
The name was written
Hilde
Hildr
With my Scandinavian roots and my lifelong battle to overcome the effects from my childhood abuse this really begun to resonate with me
Maybe a spelling change could change my perception on my name?

My first name also has held a negative tone for me
I was named after my father
I was supposed to be a boy – Raymond – his second name
But I was born a girl so I was Raewyn
This is a made up combination name
and is uncommon outside of New Zealand
and generally it is found in my age group
In fact statistics show it doesn’t appear as a birth name after 1971
There was never a specific meaning
White doe is the closest I ever got and that seemed very twee to me

Once I began facing the demons of my past I really struggled with my name
I hated that he was responsible for it
That it tied me to him
Or I felt it identified me with him

Here in New Zealand we are encouraged to give our mihi or introduction when greeting
And within that we disclose our ancestral journey
Identifying our forebears, our origins,
I so struggled with this as I did not want to identify with him in any way
A Maori friend helped me to process this in a way
that really helped me identify in my present past
not my damaged past
So I could mihi safely

It wasn’t until I became friends with international friends who commented how unusual my name was.
In fact a young American friend messaged me a few years ago and asked if I’d mind if she need her daughter Raewyn
I was honoured
It was then I began to realise how unusual it was
special even!
And since marrying my American and traveling there with him
I am embracing it more positively and confidently
In fact I had a lot of fun with their inabilities to pronounce or spell it when I say it 🙂

Then whilst down the rabbit hole I began some researching and discovered that in the 1890’s when the suffrage movement was in full swing here
1893 NZ was the first self governing nation to give women the right to vote!
Anyways there supposedly was a woman named Rae Wynn who was involved in the suffrage movement which could’ve sparked people honouring her by calling their babies Raewyn, Raewynn, Raewynne,…

I also know that my paternal grandmother who carried that name must’ve been an amazing woman
So I try now to look beyond that previous generation and identify with the women in my family tree from before who were pioneers
Women who must have had so much strength & resilience

It feels good to be discovering strengths and positivity in my name
Empowering even!

My maiden name has left a very sour taste in my mouth
I struggle to identify with anything pertaining to my father
I married at 21 so I have carried a different surname for over 43 years
That has eased my aversion
But I still become very triggered when forced to fill out paperwork with that name
Or if I am identified as part of the family who carry that name


Names are important
Never underestimate the power of your name
And if you meet someone
Never Ever Assume you can shorten their name
Or use their familial nickname
Unless you have their permission
Or I might have to send my Valkyrie to deal with you 😉