at first it slams engulfs drowns How can we possibly survive our loss total and utter impossibility shock overwhelms us gut punched bewilderment convulsive sobbing brokenness blankness . . . grief
As moments become days become months
the sadness & sobbing reduce to tears melancholy questions anger more sadness blankness depression fatigue . . . grief
and with the years come resignation flashbacks sleeplessness nostalgic longing embodied sadness emotional numbness rememberings wistful memories . . . grief
Our journey unfolds personal processing no right no wrong grief grips our future it is always there we blank it out we mind block the triggers we hold in tears we nurse the pieces of our broken heart until our inward flowing tears glue the parts together there will always be cracks it will never be whole ever again But those cracks remind us every day of the intense beauty of loving of being loved
When life is trucking along you are hit by small triggers spasmodically but you just stop briefly and deal with them as they bump you then you’re back on course again till the next wee one They feel big But in actuality they’re just potholes that reduce your speed momentarily
But when out of left field a huge train mows you down you don’t have time to run for cover It unleashes all the demons that you’ve managed to keep locked in your basement for the past years
It sucker punches gut punches derails you
all the tips and techniques you’ve learnt all the therapies all the breathing everything just flies out the window
Those demons start playing havoc in your head reigniting memories exhausting you with all the ‘whatifs’ all the ‘whys’
Taking me down trails I don’t want to go the overgrown tracks I have been consciously avoiding shutting out closing my mind to No!! I don’t want to go there again No more Stop!!!
The anger the grief the absolute sadness and the feelings of betrayal
The betrayal is the worst all these years and they knew but they stayed silent
Three years ago we moved to Baker road It was an exciting new beginning for us But there was a huge hole in my heart My girlfriends were missing
Then those Taieri winds brought us together The winds we curse Brought damage to your building site But brought a new friend into my life
Our years since then have been busy Building Families Life But amidst it all we found time to connect and build a friendship A friendship that I have so treasured Our lives have touched Connected along the way texts, visits, coffees, parties As and when we could both manage through these past chaotic years
When Diane, Gaye & I mooted to start a monthly get together The Baker Road Coffee Group was formed Us ‘girls’ really enjoyed our times together It is a special time each month Where we can connect and talk No pressures – just be We were so happy & blessed that amidst all the stressors of life Muriel you wanted, and were able to host us in July We really enjoyed that happy morning We kept as quiet as we could so we wouldn’t wake Greg 🙂 Another memory to hold
But the memory I will hold most dear 11 days ago When you and Greg came by in your gorgeous red pickup On your way home from an afternoon of ice cream & the beach an afternoon of making memories You came to say goodbye cuz we were leaving tomorrow We all talked and laughed and enjoyed the wind Until the rain drove you home You waved as you left And said I’ll see you when you get back”
My heart was breaking…… Muriel my beautiful friend I knew we were saying goodbye You are going to be so missed another light has gone out in Baker Road
I will no longer curse the wind But instead will use it to send messages of love to you to the stars that are sparkling more gloriously Because of your presence
I am doubly heartbroken that I cannot be with everyone today To celebrate Your life But today I will be wearing Pink For You xx
PS – I had to put my family first today which I know you would’ve wanted Today we took our grandchildren on a long promised visit to the Antarctic Centre
By chance or maybe not chance at all… God really does work in wondrous ways I got to ride the Haggland later in the day with my granddaughter as she was too nervous to go earlier with the boys When we stepped out after our ride I realised we had been in the only Pink Haggland on base And it was 1:30pm! God blessed my heart & calmed my spirit in this moment Thank you Muriel Rest easy my friend xxx
the fight I’ve felt the fight I’ve fought nine years of active duty for my baby
two years of holding him fighting him fighting for him containing him suffering with him but not understanding not knowing the cause or the pain
then the discovery the horror the disbelief and weirdly, the relief as if a diagnosis can heal a broken soul of course it can’t but it gives perspective and some understanding
then finally the arrest
and then the silencing began the waiting holding our breath keeping our tongues lawfully gagged closed mouths unable to release the anger and fears contained within my mothers heart so many tears the anxieties and perplexities watching his continuing agonies his blacknesses his fear and incapacities to live fully shared anger shared pain
after four years of being silenced facing that monster who broke my child who tried to destroy us finally being allowed to voice the hatred my anger for all his despicable evilness
then the feeling of bewilderment as the silencing continues our judicial system works slowly inefficiently almost impotently the temptation to allow a bullet or a rope is so great but reality checks our responses
finally his name is revealed to all but only to all who care only to those who give a damn his name is a 5 min wonder in the daily newspaper buried unless you know
26 months for all the pain and the torture inflicted upon us all 26 months for lives wrecked and destroyed 26 months… words fail me I’m silenced again this time by my inability to express brokenness
then after not long enough gut slamming phone calls parole board mandatory reports received when least expected bolts from the blue jarring me back to those years past
re-opening the numbed lesions of my soul released after 17 months served how is this justice my body tries to find the anger and the rage but all that’s left is soul destroying numbness helplessness nothingness blankness
the proverbial rug has been completely pulled from under the silence is continuing ringing in my ears so loudly i cannot hear i’m crushed my fight is broken
this pain shouldn’t be my pain to carry but this is my baby my precious, precious child the one I birthed and have nurtured for over 2 decades his pain is my pain a mother carries her child’s pain as if it were her own in the hopes that he will eventually be free of his own
when you spend the day creating for a special person to lift their spirits and to share your love and then a phone call one you’ve been dreading hoping not to receive
grief hits you a side blow and you come tumbling down the pain from within echoes that of times past losing a loved life long partner so heartbreakingly hard
tears flow where do I go with this where can I go but to other friends
spend time with friends now before its too late make time take time before you have to join to celebrate the life well lived of yet another friend who has left too soon
tides ebb and flow planets come and go mercury retrogrades moons collide solar flares lunar eclipses natures mysteries abound
growing through conservative christianity taught everything outside was evil don’t do this don’t touch that you’ll allow the devil his hold
wakening now realising that I am part of this awesome universe created by God and in the being part of I am feeling part of so the ebbs and flows effect my very core
being the very practical being I am sceptical of things unknown things unseen that I cannot prove yet now I am feeling and recognising the ebbs & flows that are affecting my essential self
my life is my long journey and yet in the aeons of time it is but a brief blink connected to the universe of which I am just a tiny speck I am but a pin prick feeling such insignificance how and why does the universe care enough about me to include me in its ebbs & flows
I am but sand on the shore a drop of water within the seas but my life has relevance and meaning I must hold some importance otherwise why am I here
growing up through the Age of Aquarius it was but a mere song a hippie chick sang living on the fringes of churchism feeling frowned upon for even thinking the lyrics but on delving in I see its relevance during my lifetime
apparently though I have the energy of Sun in conjunct with Pluto a rare thing indeed my presence on this planet is to do what I am doing I am not just a mere speck I am burning, cleaning, clearing the way facing the darkside constantly transforming articulating communicating to others
by opening up my heart allowing the blood of my traumas to flow releasing the pain and reality of my damaged soul I am letting the sunshine in to the hearts of others as they resonate with my words no matter the darkness they hold or the life they bring
sharing gives strength breaking darkness to let the light in releasing energy breaking tensions allowing the ebb & flow of my life to encourage others that is my reason for living
when your head hurts when there is so much chaos inside that it blanks out all rational thinking random thoughts swirl around battering my brain cells like a raging storm I try to follow one thought but it diverges into a torrent flowing a different direction another thought and another small streams all diverging into a raging river of pain
pain from so many sources heavy weightedness my head aches with weariness my body drags with an unexplainable lethargy I don’t know how to find the beginning let alone the end too many beginnings they just add and add and add so much more pain and grief to the weightedness I am feeling
a random person sees my pained being delivers a hug causing my eyes leak with tears but still holding back the rivers that want to flow because those nearest cannot see what is inside of me and I am scared than if they do it will horrify them because it terrifies me
I try to grasp at one to decipher where it came from but my brain sees another and runs to that then to another until my head is so full
my hands try to hold my brain the explosions of pain darkness weariness sadness
how can I describe the darkness within when I cannot find the beginning to begin
I’m not entering the fray to join or continue a battle I am so tired of fighting I have been fighting all my life to find Me to be Me
So who am I?
I am the proud female descendant of Norse women of women throughout the ages who have fought for equality of women who have lived through centuries of male domination of women who battled desperation and mighty seas who have sought and fought for better lives for them and their children and freedom from suppression freedom from domination and abuse
My generations of grandmothers did not fight for me to dismissed to be invalidated to be devalued
From their own experiences as negated and denigated women My grandmother taught me to stand up for what I wanted to take what I needed to not allow myself to be second class My aunt encouraged me to look after Me to put myself first to self care To be who I am I didn’t understand when I was young from the histories they were speaking from of their battles they had warred of the lives they had endured to become the influential women who passed their batons on to me Only now I see them Women standing for women
I have fought my whole life to be free from male abuse to set myself free from the trauma instigated upon me by males It has taken me years to be able to stand and look men in the eye without fear and without trepidation of denigration I have fought for my own equality & the equity of my sisters no matter our colour or creed for my right to Be to Just Be Me
I will not be negated as a cis person I am woman
I have not carried 11 babies within me within my female body birthing them from my womanly parts to be relegated a baby carrying person I am Me I am woman
I did not fight to feed 10 babies for my battle wearied nurturing breasts to be diminished as chest feeders I am Me I am woman
Words are important to me They express who I am Do not invalidate me Because of who you want to be
Can we please just respect each other Can you be You And I will be Me I have fought too hard and too long To again lose Me
My journal page during the weekend quote Ann Voskamp
I spent the end of March and the first two days of April participating in a Living Fully Creative Therapy Group 3.25 very intense days It was a ‘retreat’ for sexual abuse survivors. I was fortunate to be put forward for funding to attend. It was with much trepidation that I agreed. I didn’t know what to expect so went with no expectations. I deliberately booked myself into a motel nearby as I knew that I would not cope with the travel too and fro after such intensive days. That was a self care move and a good one I was right. I needed space for me each night.
We were a small group of victims in varying stages of healing. It was challenging, disturbing, distressing, amazing, painful and wonderful all at the same time. To be able to freely communicate and be heard & believed and supported in such a safe way was actually incredible.
I’ve never experienced psychodrama or group therapy before It was certainly very interesting, challenging and emotionally draining. Actively participating in the dramas was definitely not something I was comfortable to do I preferred the role of witness and giving feedback This was an important part of the proceedings The art therapy portions were certainly more my thing There just wasn’t enough of them for me
What did I take from my time there?
Firstly – I learned that I can participate, or not, at whatever level I am comfortable with and saying no is very ok. And I was commended for doing so.
Secondly – I learned that I can hold my own space. That I’m important and have as much right as anyone else to hold space. That I’m not taking from anyone else. And that in owning my space I’m also giving to others.
Thirdly – I learned that I was believed. At all times. I was supported and held in the safest place I’ve ever been in. In the past when I have tried talking openly I’ve been shutdown & silenced. That is revictimisation and I will no longer allow myself to be a victim of that.
Fourthly – I have never read my work aloud to anyone before. I usually write & run. But this time they wanted my words. They asked me to read to them. Their responses were more than could’ve imagined. So much empathy, compassion, & identifying. I felt validated. As a writer. As an artist. As a woman.
An initial 20min exercise at my Living Fully Workshop. The colours portray different areas of my life, the brown are the shadows that people can’t & don’t want to seeDay 2 of my Living Fully Workshop. 20min Art expression session Words which are all part of me at any given time….
