Unraveling… – a journey out of the shadow of grief & trauma

Blame or Shame

shame or blame
blame and shame
coexistent

for years I’ve lived with both
burning holes in my brain
years of untangling
the shame
years and years and years
taking the blame
carrying the shame
then years and more years
unloading the shame
but allowing the blame to become misplaced anger
averting the idea that the one I loved
could be that monster
justifying
mitigating
his part because of his history
preventing my heart from being broken
again and again and again
and then eventually
understanding
that the blame and shame
actually lies
fair and square
at his feet, on his head
not mine
no more excusing or defending him

it took years and years
for me to identify that blame
and to put the shame where it truly belongs
but in so doing
I have felt and still feel so alone
with no understanding from those who used to love me
from the ones closest to me
who are now so far far away from me
who throw their anger
their rage
so blindly
so angrily
so misguidedly
at me

I couldn’t comprehend
why?
and then
the lightbulb moment
the clarity
the understanding
they are doing exactly
the same
as I did

they cannot
they do not
the have not
the capacity to cope with
the shame
the humiliation
of knowing
that the one person
they knew and trusted
could be that monster
so their anger displaces
misguidedly misplaced
and is directed at me
just one of his many victims
who has had the audacity to finally
stand up and speak out

the pain
the heartbreak
the divisiveness
the trauma
the misuse of power
the infliction of grief and trauma
the absolute suffering and distress
caused by the evilness of paedophillia
the perversion of incest
the absolute lifelong torment from sexual abuse
is so great
so immense
the ripples that grow
and grow
and grow
into uncontrolled tsunami waves
from the shame and the blame
destroy relationships
and families

shame and blame
live symbiotically
and unless they are
directed fair and square at the feet of the offender
they become parasitic
and entwine within the psyche of the family tree
and kill
everything they touch

it is the worst heartbreak
ever

Long post, go get the popcorn!

I have spent months processing some issues that have caused ongoing major triggers for me
I’ve been unsure as to why the reactions were so strong
I understood part of them
But it was only recently that I fully understood the depths of the why

And before I start
I want to add
that it is NOT mandatory for ANYONE to have ANY medical tests that they do NOT want to have!
So please allow me the grace to make my own decisions re my own health

Backtracking
to the beginning of this story
We needed to have some blood tests done
So made appointments at our local medical centre
Because of the state of our medical system in NZ currently there are currently no resident doctors at our centre
So we have to see the nurses.
As we do not make a habit of seeing doctors it’s been a while
We both are patients of a Dr in the USA so are not being irresponsible
In fact we are very proactive about our health
Hence staying with a Dr who works with us as we need despite the distances

During our appointment the nurse started scrolling through my records
and I started getting the inquisition
‘You haven’t had a mammogram’
“No – I have thermograms and I am actually scheduled for one next week “
‘You haven’t had a cervical smear in a long time’
“No, I don’t actually want one”
Then the coercions began
‘It’s over 5 years so it’s free for you’
‘It’s so easy now, you just do it yourself’
‘Here you go, go do it now while I sort your husband’s blood tests’
I felt cornered, to an extent bullied…
I acquiesced and went
I came away feeling incredibly angry with myself for not fighting for myself

A week later
We were away from home
I get a call from her
Telling me that HrHPV had been detected
And I needed to come in for a ‘proper cervical smear’
She insisted I make an appointment for when we returned home
So from then I was riding the Rollercoaster of Fear!
I couldn’t talk to anyone
Until my therapist processed things with me
My choices were
– do nothing
– go have it done
– ask for another nurse as I had felt so bullied by the first one
I was already riding the rollercoaster so doing nothing was a hard option
I was triggered, distressed, angry

After a few days I called the clinic and asked to see a different nurse
one of my choice
All good!

So a week later we were home and I dutifully went
I was absolutely stunned when the first nurse came to get me
I was not happy
I felt trapped again
I managed to reiterate that I had not wanted the smear in the first place
That I had asked for another nurse
So she went to find her and I was able to switch rooms right away
This nurse I feel more comfortable with
I finally agreed to have the smear done
It was BLOODY awful
SO painful
In so many ways
By the time it was over I was a sobbing mess

To inflict this on a woman is bad enough
But on a woman who endured years of sexual assault and rape
This is invasive and soul destroying
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough

A week later
the results came back Negative
Same scenario as many years ago
I was so pissed off that I had allowed myself to get back on that rollercoaster

Two months later we had to return to the clinic
This time to get a prescription sorted
This time to see a locum
an unknown male doctor
As we drove
my stomach began churning
my head was pounding
I was feeling really sick
I realised I was experiencing full on panic attack
Very thankful for understanding spousal support

Also grateful to meet the doctor
as he was wonderful
and understanding
and helpful
and not a bully
Such a major relief

Moving forward a few weeks to another therapy session
Talking about other things
when all of a sudden I was hit by the understanding as to why I reacted so violently to the situation at the clinic

Yes, there was definitely the understandable reaction of an abuse victim
But there was more
and this is where it gets very personal
and you may want to leave the room about now

When I was a child
from the age of 7-8 till 18
I was a victim of incest at the hands of my father
This is not debatable
it happened
it is My Truth

I was asked last week
how did I seperate the pain from the pleasure
That is one of the hardest things for a child to compute
because incest is delivered by the person who you love and who is supposed to love you
It is not always violent
there is a lot of grooming
and is executed in a misguided ‘loving way’
so there is more pleasure than pain

Just explaining this makes me want to vomit
My response to the question came along with flashbacks that I had buried
but obviously not deep enough
“As a preteen/teen I felt incredibly trapped
and I went through the motions required just so I could escape as fast as I could”

At that moment I understood my reaction in the nurses clinic
I felt trapped
I acquiesced to enable my escape

I had retreated back into that young girl
and I did the only thing I knew how

I hope you haven’t run out of popcorn
this isn’t the end of the story
just this chapter….

Trust the Process

So
to get help
ongoing
to pursue my healing
the pathways have changed
more hoops have been added to the circus
I’m told I have to
Trust the Process

In trusting the process
I have to fit myself into
boxes that do not fit me
Boxes created by some glass towered, plastic brained, robot
who is under the very mistaken impression
that by answering
a few generic questions
They can channel me
They can fix me

I can’t Trust the Process
when they don’t See Me
when they don’t Hear Me
when they decide that categorising me
into boxes of boxes
numbered 1 to 2 to 5 to 10
is going to fix my problem

Nah!
It ain’t
All it does is
triggers the shit out of me
makes me angry
opens more wounds
creating more of a mess of me
than I was before

One of the few understanding real people
in the department
told me all those years ago
this will take you years
and years
and even more years
to heal from
He didn’t make me fill in redundant boxes
He heard Me

It took decades
to feel safe enough
to allow someone to hear
and now
I feel like I am going backwards

Trust the System
they’re not hearing Me
they’re not hearing Anyone
they just want to tick their bloody boxes
and rake in their daily dollars
and pretend they’ve fixed so many
and feel good about themselves
it is all absolute bullshit!

Forgiveness or what?

Forgiveness….
an easy word to toss around
used so freely by those within the many diverse circles of religiosity
especially those who have not experienced abuse
the placaters
the well meaners
the do gooders
the word throwers
the ones who have not stood in my shoes

Forgiveness….
This word holds so many red cards for me
I have struggled with it for decades
After being sexually & emotionally abused for years and years
the ruination of my childhood
I then go on and live through decades of spiritual abuse
and more emotional abuse
so much shaming
and blaming
and shunning
by those who can’t accept what my abuser did
So ‘forgive’ me if I sound jaded
I Am
Very Jaded

There’s gotta be a better word
Another word
A word that takes all the blame and shame
and stacks it squarely on who it belongs

Forgiveness….
Thesaurus synonyms are
absolution
clemency
compassion
dispensation
grace
mercy
reprieve
vindication
amnesty
reprieve
etc
All ideations from religiosity

Then there is this
noun as in pardon; end of blame
End of blame
Well fuck me thrice over
There is no way I am ever going to end the blame
I will never forget what was done to me
I will never forget the childhood that was robbed from me
I have been shamed to hell and back for nigh on 60yrs
There is no way this side of hell freezing over that I am ever going to end the blame or pardon my abuser

This probably sounds angry
that’s cuz it is
I am angry
No matter how much healing work I do
it always comes back to
bloody forgiveness!

I am not allowing anger to eat me up
I am angry
but anger is not possessing me
I was recently told that
“Holding on to anger
Is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die“
so hop off your high horses
don’t start the lectures
don’t drop the platitudes
If I was drinking the poison
I wouldn’t be processing
I wouldn’t be writing
This is the way I know how to release

I am doing the work
the work I shouldn’t have to be doing
cuz it all comes down to the fact
that if what was done To me
hadn’t been done To me
then I wouldn’t have to be asking

Forgiveness or what?
There must be another word…

Finding Courage

When you are living and healing from years of abuse
you face daily conundrums
you are processing and growing
and trying valiantly to heal
in a way that allows you to regain your true self
the issue is though
that you actually don’t know who that is
your abuser striped the knowing of your self
away from you the moment he took you

you spend a life time
trying to regain some sense of self
self preservation
self worth
self confidence
so many self’s
but you constantly ride a see-saw
scared of becoming
self centred
self focused
self ish

so you bury your own self in the search of yourself
and get lost in others self’s

instead of fighting your own dragons
you protect your self by fighting for and with others against their dragons
because instinctively you recognise those are the same dragons you need to fight
but they are a step removed from yours so it is less painful

you become a warrior
fighting the cause
and sympathy becomes empathy
but carrying load after load of others pain
becomes too heavy

and then warriors break
but only when broken can you truly focus on self healing
only then do you realise the courage it has taken to get you this far
so much courage taken to stay alive
it
is
exhausting

but your journey towards self growth has just begun

you then face more conundrums
how do you heal?
do you
continue to bury the truths of your abuse
do you
continue the cycle by
Not airing your dirty linen in public?
Keep sweeping the dirt under the carpet?
Shut your mouth cuz it might offend others?

do you stand up and fight
do you speak your truths

you have to find Your own courage
fight your own battles
no one else will fight them for you

you will need to dig deep and find your courage
to fight your abuser for the rest of your life
even when he is no longer on this planet
his dragons will still breath fire through the mouths of others

because no matter how many times you are told
it was not your fault
it always comes back to
it is
Your dirty linen
Your dirt
Your abuse

It is absolute shit
revictimisation at his finest

it takes an exhausting amount of courage
every day
to refuse to wear
his dirty linen
his dirt
his abuse

it take courage every day
to tame your dragons

How do you say goodbye

How do you say goodbye?

it’s the hardest thing
.
.
.
grief

at first it
slams
engulfs
drowns
How can we possibly survive our loss
total and utter impossibility
shock overwhelms us
gut punched
bewilderment
convulsive sobbing
brokenness
blankness
.
.
.
grief

As moments
become days
become months

the sadness & sobbing
reduce to
tears
melancholy
questions
anger
more sadness
blankness
depression
fatigue
.
.
.
grief

and with the years come
resignation
flashbacks
sleeplessness
nostalgic longing
embodied sadness
emotional numbness
rememberings
wistful memories
.
.
.
grief

Our journey unfolds
personal processing
no right
no wrong
grief grips our future
it is always there
we blank it out
we mind block the triggers
we hold in tears
we nurse the pieces
of our broken heart
until our inward flowing tears
glue the parts together
there will always be cracks
it will never be whole ever again
But those cracks
remind us every day
of the intense beauty
of loving
of being loved

How do we say goodbye?
Do we ever really….

Train wrecked

When life is trucking along
you are hit by small triggers spasmodically but you just stop briefly and deal with them as they bump you
then you’re back on course again
till the next wee one
They feel big
But in actuality they’re just potholes that reduce your speed momentarily

But when out of left field
a huge train mows you down
you don’t have time to run for cover
It unleashes all the demons that you’ve managed to keep locked in your basement for the past years

It
sucker punches
gut punches
derails you

all the tips and techniques you’ve learnt
all the therapies
all the breathing
everything just flies out the window

Those demons start playing havoc in your head
reigniting memories
exhausting you with all the ‘whatifs’
all the ‘whys’

Taking me down trails I don’t want to go
the overgrown tracks I have been consciously avoiding
shutting out
closing my mind to
No!!
I don’t want to go there again
No more
Stop!!!

The anger
the grief
the absolute sadness
and the feelings of betrayal

The betrayal is the worst
all these years and they knew
but they stayed silent

The betrayal….

To Muriel

Three years ago we moved to Baker road
It was an exciting new beginning for us
But there was a huge hole in my heart
My girlfriends were missing

Then those Taieri winds brought us together
The winds we curse
Brought damage to your building site
But brought a new friend into my life

Our years since then have been busy
Building
Families
Life
But amidst it all we found time to connect and build a friendship
A friendship that I have so treasured
Our lives have touched
Connected along the way
texts, visits, coffees, parties
As and when we could both manage
through these past chaotic years

When Diane, Gaye & I mooted to start a monthly get together
The Baker Road Coffee Group was formed
Us ‘girls’ really enjoyed our times together
It is a special time each month
Where we can connect and talk
No pressures – just be
We were so happy & blessed that amidst all the stressors of life
Muriel you wanted, and were able to host us in July
We really enjoyed that happy morning
We kept as quiet as we could so we wouldn’t wake Greg 🙂
Another memory to hold

But the memory I will hold most dear
11 days ago
When you and Greg came by in your gorgeous red pickup
On your way home from an afternoon of ice cream & the beach
an afternoon of making memories
You came to say goodbye cuz we were leaving tomorrow
We all talked and laughed and enjoyed the wind
Until the rain drove you home
You waved as you left
And said
I’ll see you when you get back”

My heart was breaking……
Muriel my beautiful friend
I knew we were saying goodbye
You are going to be so missed
another light has gone out in Baker Road

I will no longer curse the wind
But instead will use it to send messages of love to you
to the stars
that are sparkling more gloriously
Because of your presence

I am doubly heartbroken that I cannot be with everyone today
To celebrate Your life
But today
I will be wearing Pink
For You xx

PS – I had to put my family first today which I know you would’ve wanted
Today we took our grandchildren on a long promised visit to the Antarctic Centre

By chance
or maybe not chance at all…
God really does work in wondrous ways
I got to ride the Haggland later in the day with my granddaughter as she was too nervous to go earlier with the boys
When we stepped out after our ride
I realised we had been in the only Pink Haggland on base
And it was 1:30pm!
God blessed my heart & calmed my spirit in this moment
Thank you Muriel
Rest easy my friend xxx

my fight is gone

anger
rage
burns into a blankness of nothingness

the fight I’ve felt
the fight I’ve fought
nine years of active duty for my baby

two years of
holding him
fighting him
fighting for him
containing him
suffering with him
but
not understanding
not knowing
the cause
or the pain

then
the discovery
the horror
the disbelief
and weirdly, the relief
as if a diagnosis can heal a broken soul
of course it can’t
but it gives perspective
and some understanding

then finally
the arrest

and then the silencing began
the waiting
holding our breath
keeping our tongues lawfully gagged
closed mouths
unable to release the anger and fears contained within my mothers heart
so many tears
the anxieties
and perplexities
watching his continuing agonies
his blacknesses
his fear and incapacities to live fully
shared anger
shared pain

after four years of being silenced
facing that monster who broke my child
who tried to destroy us
finally being allowed to voice
the hatred
my anger
for all his despicable evilness

then the feeling of bewilderment
as the silencing continues
our judicial system
works slowly
inefficiently
almost impotently
the temptation to allow a bullet or a rope
is so great
but reality checks our responses

finally
his name is revealed to all
but only to all who care
only to those who give a damn
his name is a 5 min wonder in the daily newspaper
buried unless you know

26 months
for all the pain and the torture inflicted upon us all
26 months
for lives wrecked and destroyed
26 months…
words fail me
I’m silenced again
this time by my inability to express brokenness

then after not long enough
gut slamming phone calls
parole board mandatory reports
received when least expected
bolts from the blue
jarring me back
to those years past

re-opening the numbed lesions of my soul
released after 17 months served
how is this justice
my body tries to find the anger
and the rage
but all that’s left is
soul destroying numbness
helplessness
nothingness
blankness

the proverbial rug has been completely pulled from under
the silence is continuing
ringing in my ears so loudly
i cannot hear
i’m crushed
my fight is broken

this pain
shouldn’t be my pain to carry
but this is my baby
my precious, precious child
the one I birthed and have nurtured for over 2 decades
his pain
is my pain
a mother carries her child’s pain
as if it were her own
in the hopes
that he will eventually be free of his own