be it with our voice or our hands we learn to speak encouraged to express our needs and wants positive or negative
but we also are learned to not communicate by the traumas we endure by the dangers of response
we are learned in skills of self preservation an innocent word triggering an abuser triggering a bully triggering the anger of another
causing violent reaction a chain reaction learning in us over years of trauma to self protect
we shut down we… shut… down…..
moving forward into adulthood damaged goods fight flight fright concreted into our damaged psyche cautious trusts so easily destroyed our fragility protected by a thin crust of bravado our lives spent walking on eggshells
the exhausting daily trials to appear normal to fit in to be more than to compensate for the imbedded feelings of worthlessness to show that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me yeah right
and then words innocently said body language misinterpreted precipitously triggering violent responses from others loved ones those we trusted
like blunt force trauma to the brain like a knee into the gut with excruciating heart-rending pain leaving us reeling winded wounded revictimised retraumatised wondering where did we go wrong again
not understanding that their triggers are not your triggers their pain like yours is causing them to react is causing a vicious spiral of damaged communication and damaged communicators
Facing unknowns Unsure of what I’m entering into Scares me shitless Fighting the triggers and alarm bells reverberating through my deep core Trying to block them out Going through the motions Appearing to be in control Appearances deceptively creating angst
So fucking exhausting
Filling out forms Trying to fit myself into boxes Am I a tick or a cross Why can’t I just be me Why do I have to evaluate, clarify, caterogize, or define myself to be squeezed into boxes of mediocrity You can have my name and address but even those are questionable some days Let me walk in Unwrap me then, if you can cuz I sure as hell can’t most days
So fucking exhausting
Answering cold calls Arrggggg Why did I respond Trigger alert Stress bucket explosion Meltdown Anger – at them, or is it at myself not their fault they don’t know what’s happening at my end of the line Tears Wild out of control emotional Wipeout Damn you trauma brain
So fucking exhausting
just one day in the life of a trauma victim/survivor
No matter your age or abilities or situation Loneliness is it just is
It ebbs and flows you can be the happiest busiest person and still be lonely feel lonesome feel so alone in the midst of a busy room be alone in a crowd feel empty
Loneliness is an emptiness it is tears escaping for no apparent reason it is a void a blackness abandonment
Loneliness can begin through no fault of your own from grief loss estrangement abuse physical proximity social isolation emotional isolation feeling different feeling unacceptable feeling misunderstood removing yourself in your head because it hurts removing yourself before it hurts again self protection not allowing anyone in building barriers closing people out
Loneliness can be just there but you don’t know until you do
Most people who read this know my story (If not then cruise on back through my posts and you’ll soon figure it out) And you will know that I have been in therapy for over 10 years now it was actually quite a cataclysmic event that I am able to pin point my breakdown to – the Christchurch NZ February 2011 earthquake happened exactly one month after I broke. Not sure if there is any rational transcendent reasonings behind that timeframe but its definitely a hinging point for my memories
I have learnt and am still learning about me And how the traumas have affected and altered me I’m sure it has been beneficial No, I know it has been incredibly beneficial It hasn’t changed my past But it has altered how I deal with my future My trauma based brain that I operate from still sends out triggers on a daily basis But I have learnt to how to identify them and cope with them more readily
I’ve also learnt a whole heap of new vocabulary And for someone like me who processes in the written word Who loves words Who loves to research This helps me immeasurably
Recently I was talking with my therapist about how people perceive me and how I see myself I am usually seen as being strong and outspoken and independent But inside I am often a quaking mess, unsure, afraid of being hurt and afraid of upsetting proverbial boats
I present this exterior persona of being strong and in control Which I also am I’m both Because the me that is now I Was shattered into pieces And I am trying to meld my pieces back together again Confused much Yeah me too
This quote pretty much sums it up though
10 years of therapy sounds a such a long time But so much else has happened within those years that have rabbit pathed my focus so my therapy has been often stretched sideways I relaxed into it more easily once I was told in the earlier days by one of my case managers that my abuse/trauma would take a very long time to heal from
So anyways, recently my therapist shared these words with me when I was asking her how the hell do I present so together when I’m actually not…
Firstly Dissociation (when we numb out or block painful feelings) I’m already very familiar with this I do it often It makes life so much easier to cope with But it makes others feel like you don’t care
Over identification (when swamped and overwhelmed) oh my Lord! This is way too familiar I know one of my ptsd cover ups has been, and often still is, to keep very busy So I do And then there gets to be too much happening in my brain And I start spinning And one small trigger tips me over And my brain crashes Like the wheel spinning on the computer screen And I blank out drowning in an absolute lost mess
But the third one is the word I needed to understand to answer my question
Disidentification (when keeping at arms length and know it’s not about me) This is the word I had not heard before But it sure is a good one And it is most definitely me A lot of the time It’s the suck it up and do what is deemed right part of me It’s the brave face It’s the masks I wear to protect me And it’s the masks I wear to actually protect others Because no matter how much I break my silence there are still those who do not know, who can not know, who I still protect
This was the me that was able to stand up the front of the church and speak at my own father’s funeral I never understood how I did that But it was expected of me I was the eldest of the siblings Eloquant Strong Someone who gets shit done So I did what was expected And I spoke I remember absolutely nothing My mother of course kept all the words and on her death I probably inherited them along with all the other words she passed on to me I choose not to go searching for them I choose to stay in a state of insulation to protect my very vulnerable self.
Did I speak at my mother’s funeral I absolutely cannot remember I know I organised her funeral I know so many intimate details of the day, the weeks prior and the weeks & months following But I have completely buried that part of the day My mother was an important part of my development but her ultimate betrayal is still too painful and deeply embedded so dissociation wins
But I do know I stood and spoke at my husband’s funeral This was the me that was so broken, so lost, so overwhelmed with pain But I did it Cuz I had to For me For him For the kids I disidentified and dissociated
Abuse How do we speak about it How do we own it MY abuse or THE abuse
Do we absorb it make it our own Do we try to remove it from within disown it disassociate from it
How do we process those words
Does It become part of me – we become consumed by It – we allow It to absorb Us – we struggle within It – we surrender to It
Or
Do we hold it at arms length – the thing that was done to me – the thing that has affected me – the thing that has crippled me – the thing that changed my life forever
We each develop systems to cope with our individual situations Those systems in turn become mechanisms The mechanisms which allow us to continue to live Some of us ‘appear’ to live well And others of us don’t
No matter what the outside world perceives of us The trauma The abuse has infiltrated our very core pierced our soul And created such damage that we will never ever be the same ever again
But one way we can alter the effects Is to change MY abuse to THE abuse And in so doing We remove the onus From us And give it back To the Abuser, the Perpetrator The one who did things TO us
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
― Fred Rogers
I was watching the movie “A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood” recently and these words really spoke to me They are so true So wise
We have had so many taboos in societal exchange And those taboos create so much stress trauma generating room for abuse of many kinds to perpetuate
If we cannot talk about death life sex mental health relationships etc in normal fashion using real terms and real words
We create prohibitions secrets silences darkness damage
Allowing misconceptions to exacerbate Allowing lies to spread Allowing abuse to continue
Let’s manage our (un)mentionables Let’s talk honestly Let’s talk openly Let’s be supportive Let’s be trustworthy
I know if I had had just one person Just one Who could’ve seen Who could’ve been supportive Maybe, just maybe, life would’ve been so different for the little girl that was me
Unfortunately The one person that spoke up for me all those decades ago was just another small person a witness but also a victim, yet another victim Whose parents couldn’t hear her wouldn’t hear her couldn’t see wouldn’t see And because of their inability to manage the unmentionable she was unheard she was physically abused she was verbally abused she was ridiculed for saying such unmentionable dirty things she was silenced
one victim became two victims and on and on and on
until decades later the ripples in the pond of abuse that my father began have become so big and so far reaching so damaging in so many realms of my life
Ever since I found my voice 8 years ago and began mentioning the unmentionable I have been hearing from more of his victims and from other victims who have found their voices cuz I found mine Finding your voice empowers others
Sadly I am still hearing stories from other victims today It is never ending But as we manage our humanity we find support we find we are not alone
Trust me The landrover’s not gonna go over the bank We’ll be fine Bullshit
Trust me I’m just gonna go to town today I’ll see you tomorrow when you come out with the kids Bullshit
Trust me I’m your friend I’ll have your back Bullshit
Trust me…
Trust me…
Trust me…
When I hear those words… My stomach churns I’m feeling sick My heads pounding I’m crying inside I’m breathing deep Trying to contain my fears My whole body is fighting Trying to release my fears
Trust me… It’s not that I don’t trust you It’s that I can no longer trust myself to trust
We are all asked at some point in our lives to write a CV or a resume It is actually a really tough call for many of us Some of us who have dedicated our lives to our families who have not ‘worked’ outside our homes for decades Some of us don’t feel comfortable blowing our own trumpets selling ourselves isn’t easy in this society of diminishment to embolden ourselves is not something we are comfortable with
But try writing your life CV Wow! Thats another story Where do I begin What do I write What do I hide What can I say
There are some things that are on my life CV that I unfortunately can’t do anything about Things that have damaged me Things that have caused me trauma Things that hold me back Things that silence me Things that make me angry Things that scar me Responses I have made Behaviours I have inflicted Words uttered in haste Words delivering pain Those things are there and only I can choose how I use them
I heard a great quote from Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl who went through far, far more than I could ever imagine but his words resound loudly
Everything in life can be taken from you except one thing The freedom to respond to the situation you are in This is what determines the quality of the life we live, not our circumstances
I am learning to control my reactive emotive responses Those damn ptsd reactions… Trying not to respond to a situation immediately When I do it is often with unthought out reaction A reaction coming from my ptsd or my anxiety or my child self
I am trying to stop and breath and allow time Time to think Time to try and view the situation from the otherside Time to diffuse
I am learning how to rewrite my CV I cannot erase the pages already written The past of damages I have lived and damaging I have caused Those pages have already been delivered & read Burning my copy doesn’t erase the copies received I cannot cancel that history But I can begin writing new pages
The pages ahead are still clear and clean My pencil is sharpened I am aware and on guard I know there will be blots on the pages From inadvertant reactives I unleash But I can choose React or retaliate or Respond
Whatever I choose will predicate the outcome It is my choice
Living with the results of trauma is something many of us do Many more of us than you can imagine Trauma response is very individual No one can relive your trauma No one can tell you how you ought to respond No one can tell you what you feel Or how you should feel No one has the right to make you feel guilty No one has the right to tell you to forgive
There are recognised symptoms that cover the wide variety of PTSD’s Not all will apply to you Or to him Or her They are a generic guide for diagnosis The base though is that they are/can be your bodies response to trauma inflicted on you that you could not control The wounds are very often externally indiscernible But the responses are embarrassingly visible And can often be emotionally, physically and socially crippling
For me personally I can identify with most of the above symptoms and at least half of those would be affecting me on a daily basis
Trauma changes our basic brain functionings Thats a fact No argument
One of my sorrowful questions has often been What/who would I have been if I hadn’t endured 10 years of childhood sexual abuse? Who would that little girl have become? What would her life have been like? Would she have been a better mother, a better wife? Would she have had more confidence in herself? Would her experience of sex and relationships have been more healthy?
I know I am the person I am today because of my abuse I don’t want the abuse to define me But in an intrinsic way it has I had no choice in that But I do have a choice now I have a choice to do the best I can with who I am now I will not let my abuser win this I am inherently stronger because I have had to be I had to fight from such a young age to hang on to my identity
Childhood incest inflicts such massive confusion on a child Love Loyalty Respect Trust All things that should be an integral part of a safe normal parent/child relationship Are confused by Manipulation Secrets Emotional bullying Passive agressiveness Powerlessness Conflicted loyalty Guilt, blame & shame Betrayal
When you finally escape you don’t know how to experience real love You are so used to your body being used as a ‘love tool’ That you unwittingly continue that toxic behaviour
According to research the younger the age the abuse begins, the frequency of the abuse, plus the longer the duration, effects the intensity of trauma response. The average length of incest abuse is 4 years – when I read this today it blew my mind, I am crying as I type, I feel sick to my stomach as the reality & roots of my constant fight is hitting me…
My recollections are that I was around the age of 7-8 yrs old, the frequency was almost daily, and I wasn’t able to escape my abuser until I was 18 years old. 10 years of almost daily incestuous abuse…
No wonder I struggle to support my inner child It is a constant Daily Overwhelming fight To separate my adult self from my child self To not be her anymore I just want to grow strong enough to build a healthier relationship between us.
