Unraveling…

You know when you have one of those days where you are giving all of yourself to a dear friend.
Having fun.
Spending time together.
Sharing and caring.
Deep and meaningful conversations.
Retail therapy.
Cafe crawling.

Day is going splendidly.

Then out of the blue an accidental phone call from an old nemesis.
The last person I ever thought would call.
It was a really nice conversation.
Barriers finally breaking.
Cautious but not awkward.
Some lovely words spoken.
Complimentary about my man and our marriage.
Grateful, so very grateful.
Afterwards tears fell.

The conversation opened up memories.
Ones that I had secured and tucked away safely, only to be opened at times when I am ready and able.
Today the box was opened without my permission so my guard was down.
Not wrong.
Just tipped me off my axis somewhat.
Opening the box reminded me that our 38th wedding anniversary is only 2 days away.

My goodness we were so young with absolutely no idea of the adventuresome journey ahead.

But this is more us.
Always my favourite photo.
42 years ago – star struck lovers.

Our wedding may have been 38 years ago.
But we were one way way before then.
The beautiful comment made in the above conversation was that Tim and I had the most special marriage ever.
We did.
We truly did.
I miss that man with every fibre of my being.
And I know without a doubt he would want me to go on living and living to the full.
He told me once that he would never live without me, that I was strong and I could and would live without him.
For so long I thought he was wrong.
But I know now he was right.
He had the last word – for once 😉

y’know, I never dreamt life could be this good.
After a very long time of living in Crapsville things took a turn a few months ago.
This year, actually this past winter, was probably during the darkest period of the past few years.
But due to the encouragement of an ultra special person and the support of several close friends I began making changes.
The darkness didn’t disappear immediately.
But I can pretty much pinpoint back to almost the exact time things took that turn.
It was in June.
I’m not going to enlarge on the details right now as they are only important to me.
But lets just say the situation gave me a reason to look outside all the crap that was surrounding me.
It made me begin to smile.
Tentatively I began to reach outside of my darkness and grasp hold of the glimpses of light and as I did that light began growing brighter.
I still had stuff to deal with but I started giving myself permission to delegate the pressures.
To remove the weights I was carrying.
I reached out and gave permission to some trusted few to help me carry the load.
Once I began feeling free of the load I began living again.

As I gave myself permission to start living and being happy again there has been no stopping me.
It has been the most freeing time of my life – ever!

Personally I had been facing this coming January with dread.
The dread of leaving this decade behind.
The number that was looming in front of me was so depressing.
I had never felt like this at the approach to any other decade before.
I have partied them all in big time.
But facing this one was becoming so incredibly daunting.

June began changing my paradigm.
Once the light went on in my emotional headspace then the physical part of me followed.
As I have made changes my health and wellbeing has increased dramatically.
Now I am embracing me for who I am.
I am excited about life.
Excited for my future.
Who knows where it will take me.
My boat is rocking and I am having a ball.

I am now preparing to rock in this new decade in a few months.
After all, it is only a number.
It ain’t defining me anymore 🙂
I know I sure as hell would not want to go back to any of the previous numbers!!


So this is the new me – magical, quirky, and just a little crazy.
No apologies 🙂

 

During our life journey we come to many cross roads.
Sometimes it is easy to make the decision as to which one to take.
Other times the selection can be rather confusing.
Clarity is often not as great as we would like and we have to take risks.
Jump into the unknown.
Scary stuff!

It’s very scary at times not to be able to see the end of the path we are on.
In fact if we could I am sure we would retreat fast!!
My journey came to an abrupt crossroad on February 18th 2013.
It was like I’d hit asign – smack in front of me.

I crashed straight into it.
I lay in the middle of the road reeling from the shock.

With my classic PTSD responses I did several things.
I fled, hid, retreated to my sanctuary – my bed.
I froze, time stood still and the world carried on in a whirl around me.
and
I fought.
I fought so bloody hard.
I exhausted myself.
I was a ball of confusion as I processed it all.

The journey from then on has been incredibly tenuous.
Lots of ruts and complications along the way.
But as my friend Bob encourages I have been slowly turning my vision toward living.

I cast my eyes back and see the roads of my journey weaving, looping, converging, but none of them straight.
Along those roads I have experienced more pain than I could’ve ever thought imaginable, I have learned more than I could’ve ever conceived.

A dear friend just sent me this message today, it touched my heart so deeply that I need to share it here.
“For some, suddenly they find themselves on a road that is not of their choosing, a road unknown they must travel alone. They travel naked, no suitcase of preparation to hand, constantly assailed by travelers offering garments that are ill fitting and uncomfortable.  Attending to those who join them then leave, turning back to their “place” Having no “place”. Eyes set on the path with no end in sight, and no sight to see, eyes in the back of their head their only vision, looking back, looking back, looking back, then suddenly traveling, walking on alone. When does this road not of ones choosing open out to something more?  When warriors walk it.  Walk on Raewyn I have utmost love respect and admiration for you. Your Tim would be just so proud of you.”

I am now standing at a new cross roads.
One where I am feeling exhilarated, excited, and energised.
Exciting to venture out into the unknown.
I am standing strong, displaying all my scars with attitude.
Completely unafraid – well almost 😉
I am becoming healthier emotionally and physically and mentally.
Tim was right.
He said I could do it and I am.
Rest easy my love.
I am OK!
I am a warrior!
A warrior princess embarking along a new road – one that I have not traveled before.
And it feels so right 🙂

 

My past week has held so much excitement I can barely contain myself.
I have made some wonderful connections.
All have been totally unplanned.
They have all been so empowering, so strengthening, so encouraging.
There is something wonderful about connections between women of kindred spirit.
The gelling is so uber cool.
As most close to me are probably aware, I am passionate about working with sexual assault and abuse victims.
As a survivor of sexual abuse, and a crisis support worker for victims of sexual assault these connections have been incredibly moving and very very inspiring.

My first encounter was when I had the privilege to attend a forum which my daughter and her husband were speaking.

I slightly selfishly just wanted to go to hear my family speak, but I was blown out of the water completely by the content from all speakers.
It was an absolutely brilliant evening.
The event was to raise funds for Amie Paulet from The Collab Nation  to travel to Bangladesh as part of her/the work that will see them partnering alongside women in the garment industry in Bangladesh.
Amie hosted and prompted responses from the panelists creating raw real conversation around sustainable and ethical business in today’s world.
On its own it was incredibly inspiring.

But my excitement came from discovering women at the gathering connected to Bridge The Gap Project.
Emily was wearing a stunning very individual jacket which of course my mixed media eye was immediately drawn to.
I was keen to hear more about what was behind these art works and Emily happily filled me in on the work of Amanda Betts.
The work is diverse in nature but ultimately is supporting youth at risk and sexual abuse victims, empowering them in an enriching & creative way.
The back of this jacket rocked my soul – loved it so much 🙂

You can see two of the jackets being worn in centre of this photo.
Each item of clothing is created by or for the person and tells their story in such a beautiful way.
And they get to wear it.
It empowers them, helps them to grow above their abuse etc, helps them stand tall and strong.

After the forum was over I discovered the woman behind me was the one who was creating these jackets.
Sera has put her own label Selector Clothing on hold for a wee while to help with this project.
An awesome women, such a privilege to meet her.
We had such a great connection, initiating an ongoing friendship.
The lighting wasn’t great but we got some photos before the night ended.
Amie, Sunniva and two of their tribe

Sunniva and her proud mother xxxx

The next day I flew home, landed running.
Straight back into life in the fast lane.
My 10 days holiday was quickly on the other side of the horizon!

I was invited to two events over the next two evenings.
The first was to reveal a friends AC Cobra which he has been building for past 30 years!

Needless to say it was a wonderful evening.
I even got to sit in the drivers seat!
Now I know that the car is amazing, but I am not a petrol head so my enjoyment during the evening was connecting with a new friend.
We had such a great time, coffee dates have been planned.

Then the following day I was on the pager for work.
I had a pre-scheduled client to support through her L3 Police interviews.
I was slightly daunted as the little I had been told prior sounded a bit too close to my personal story.
Wasn’t too sure how I would deal with it, if I would trigger in any way.
But I put my professional hat on and fronted up at 8:30 ready to do my job.
I was blown away.
She was an amazing, strong, empowered, woman, and once again we connected on a very meaningful level.
Often in my work the clients are so damaged that it is emotionally draining, but this time it was so positive.
She was working through her healing journey, knew what she had to do and she did it and she did it damned fine!
So proud of her.
Her attitude uplifted me so much.

Then that evening I took two of my team mates and drove out to Motueka to hear Louise Nicholas speak.
Motueka SASH had invited her and there was no way I was going to miss the opportunity.
I told my pager to be very quiet, I didn’t want to miss a thing!!

Louise stood and quietly told her story.
I have read her book. Seen the movie. Watch ‘The Louise Nicholas Story’ here if you haven’t already see it.
I know her story too well.
But to hear Louise tell it in person moved me to tears.
Louise is a beautiful woman.
I really respected the way she relayed her message.
She taught me such a lot.
She has always had my utmost respect.
But after this she has my heart.
This woman has mana.
She is lovely, she is awesome, she is – just Louise.

I was rapt to talk with her afterwards, looking forward to a coffee date next time we meet.
Cant beat those coffee dates 🙂

And that was the culmination of 48 hours of amazing connections.
Just so buzzy about it all.
The excitement comes from seeing so many positive happenings coming from such crappy stuff.
Looking forward to see where the future takes me in all of this.

Life’s noise is deafening at times.

Overwhelmingly so in fact.

To have an opportunity to remove myself from the noise is rare.

It is also incredibly scarey because I had to leave behind responsibilities.

Many responsibilities.

I had to trust.

Trust that my world would not fall to pieces without me.

Trust that the ones who needed to would step up.

I walked out, stepped out, with not just a little trepidation…..

and trusted.

And they have stepped up.

And the world hasn’t fallen over, or stopped without me.

And I have stopped, and found a small corner of another world that has granted me time – and peace.

Such a quiet, healing place.

A place where I have no history.

A place where I can just be.

With around 10 suicides a week in New Zealand, the highest rate being in our Kiwi youth aged 15-24, it seems that it has almost hit epidemic numbers. As well as this, intentional self harming injuries have brought over 2500 admissions to our hospitals each year.

It has been personally confronting to be to be dealing with these issues first hand on the home front and in our close community over past months.

For my/our generations these behaviors are almost bewildering. We struggle to understand the ‘why’ behind our kids feeling the need to harm themselves, or comprehend the distress which our modern lives have left our kids with no where to go except to end their pain with such finality.

Several months ago when I was buried  by the overwhelming distress of dealing with teen depression and anxiety I received an email announcing a seminar which sounded very interesting. I did some research and decided to sign up for it. I was doubly fortunate when my work decided to assist me to attend. I’d originally wanted to go for myself personally to learn to help my own kids, but was soon being confronted with these issues at work so signed up wearing several hats.

Then earlier this week I received a devastating message that a friend’s son had ended his life. This news just gut smacked me. I felt sick, numb, and so much grief for his family. I know what it’s like to deal with sudden traumatic death. I’ve walked that journey. It’s so bloody hard. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. I know now nearly 4 years on that there is light, there is healing, that there is no forgetting the pain but we become stronger & bigger than the pain.

But this is the very beginning of his family’s journey and the pain is huge, overwhelmingly immense. No words can make any sense of their loss. Like me and mine, they just need love, wordless love and the allowance to grieve as they want for as long as they need.

Today I attended the seminar. It was very timely. Because everything was so raw and immediate I gained way more from it.

Dr Kirsten Davis, a clinical psychologist from Auckland spoke on ‘Managing Risk in Young People’. It was one of the best seminars I’ve attended. She taught us about effective assessment and therapeutic strategies for suicidal and self-harm behavior. She was an excellent presenter, using stories that were real and relatable. We did a lot of role play to reinforce our learning.

I was encouraged to learn that many of the strategies I had instinctively employed recently were actually ones she was teaching us. I can now build on those in the future with the information gleaned from her experiences.

Ultimately we all need to be heard and our emotions validated.  We all need to feel special.  We have to stop being too busy. Go hug your child. Focus on the person in front of you. Let them see you are really listening, that you do care enough. Build hope, nurture dreams. Open communication lines, listen – really listen. And don’t be afraid to talk about suicide & selfharming.  Stop allowing them to be the elephants in the room. Honest and open discussion can allow them leave of absence by helping our young people learn new ways to alleviate their distress.